Music musings

lesson 2.1

2010-02-01T20:27:00.000-08:00

lesson.

did not suck as much as I anticipated.

Yet I still emerged feeling like crawling in a corner and crying.

I just don't understand...

why berate me for writing my own libretto? Did it suck that bad? If it did, why couldn't you just say so? Why confuse me by saying most composers suck at writing librettos, then seem fine with mine?

For that matter, why be ok with ANYTHING I do or bring in, only to surprise me come grading time? And for that matter, why not be consistent? If 6 minutes of music is good for one student, why isn't it good enough for me? Frankly, I think that's damn good, I tend to write very slow. And I'm not ashamed of those pieces. I think I'm ashamed of that piano trio...

it just makes me...sad.

Seeing Sir Peter Maxwell Davies

2010-01-29T20:58:00.001-08:00

Wow.

While I knew NEC was going to be cool, I wasn't necessarily expecting being able to sit in a masterclass with world class composers. Tonight I was able to see Sir Peter Maxwell Davies. I knew his name, but not much of his music (as in, they announced he was doing a master class, and I went to listen to stuff we had, which truthfully wasn't much). I have stuff of his colleague, Sir Harrison Birtwhistle, and still, not so much.

Anyhow, poor guy came straight from the airport, more or less, but was definitely alert and totally with it (way more so than I'd be jet lagged). And he had a wonderful British accent. But better still was what he said. He shared stories, wonderfully absurd stories of requesting pretty much every major ensemble in the entire British Empire for a piece while he was the Queen's composer, or whatever the title was, and how he magically seemed to fall into so many wonderful opportunities. He shared his thoughts and ideas and insights, but was so very humble and down to earth.

He seems like he'd be a wonderful man to study with, if he even still teaches. I have half a mind to apply for a Fulbright or whatever to go study with the guy. He's a world class composer, but seems like he'd be a fantastic educator as well.

I'm going to a concert of his stuff tomorrow, performed by the prep school here, along with a piece by a prep student. How amazing would that be, to have a piece on an all Peter Maxwell Davies concert? I'm just a bit envious =) And a little starstruck, apparently.

stuck...stuck?...STUCK!!!

2010-01-24T14:22:00.000-08:00

Oh blog, it's been far far too long. I intended to write in here so many times, but never did find the time.

And, sadly, the only reason I have time now is because I am stuck. And worse than being stuck mid-piece (which is completely typical of me), I am stuck on a blank page. I usually have strong beginnings (or at least what turn out to be strong beginnings), that this being stuck with nothing to work with is really throwing me for a loop.

I suppose that is not entirely true. I'm not necessarily stuck with a blank page. But of the three possibilities I have going now, I'm not really fond of any of them.

The first is clearly inspired by "Bloom" from Memo Flora by Yoshimatsu. I've had it running through my head for weeks, it was bound to show up somewhere eventually.

The second is picking up an orchestra sketch I began a year and a half ago. It's not that I don't feel that music is me anymore, it's just not what I'm in the mood to write right now. And that piece has been stuck for quite a while.

The third is tackling my current obsession with musical borrowing/recomposition/whatever and taking some music I love (definitely guilty pleasure sort of music) and trying really really hard to not just write what it already is, but write something new. The problem with this is, while it sounds good, I almost always end up WAY too close to the source material, I already wrote a short piano piece based on a Debussy prelude, so why do this same kind of thing again, and I don't have anything more than vague ideas right now.

And I want to come into lesson tomorrow with some concrete stuff, especially so as I don't look quite as lame asking about my grade for last semester...

premieres and moving

2009-07-14T11:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, I had started several blog entries post-premieres, but it just didn't feel right. I still haven't relistened to the orchestra premiere, mostly because we've been busy getting ready for the move out to Boston. And things have been hectic around here trying to get ready for that.

The Orchestre dB premiere went pretty well, considering the rewrites and players and everything. Not quite sure how I feel about the piece, I don't think it sucks, nor do I really think it's the shining star of my portfolio. But, it was good to write a work for guitar, and it felt like a nice closure to working with Hdez the past few years.

The orchestra premiere I think went a little better, if only because the piece was a bit more in a state of completeness (whereas Didaskalos will eventually go through some changes based on the performance and the solo stuff Hdez reworked). There were mistakes, of course, and I think I've finally realized that I will probably never have that perfect performance (which makes me wonder what composers think of their stuff that's out on cds and whatnot). I was pleased, I felt that the essence of the piece was pretty well communicated to the audience, and it also seemed to be well received. Not that I've ever had anyone boo or walk out on a performance, but I did get more that just "lovely piece" kinds of comments. Maybe NOW some people will consider programming my stuff and realize I've grown as a composer =) I did have to make some last minute changes (seriously last minute, as in, as we were taking the stage last minute) that, while needed to be done for this group and players, is not something I'd change overall (though I will switch some parts between like instruments due to range constraints that was pointed out to me to work better, but you know, oboes are just going to have to learn to play the low notes. Saxophonists do it, and my impression is it's not that much more difficult for oboe. perhaps I'm wrong on that, but I still don't think I"m being unreasonable).

The last orchestra rehearsal was spent reading orchestration assignments, and I was fortunate enough to have mine from several years ago played as well. I was surprised at how little I'd have changed it now, and the only changes I made to it were to reorchestrate parts for instruments unavailable to us (as I took it when CSUEB was sans orchestra, and was thus allowed to use all sorts of extra instruments, like contrabassoon and english horn). And it made me realize all my bitching when I first was working on my orchestra piece was really stupid, because I DID have the ability all along (yes, Hdez, once again, you were right), and it would have been nice to really know that by hearing my orchestration back when I wrote it, though I'm glad that the students now, at least, have that opportunity. And maybe it's for the best, maybe I would have been all cocky and whatnot (somehow, though, I doubt it).

I really haven't been composing lately, not that I haven't been thinking, just nothing much on paper. I'm spending the time trying to go through our stuff and get rid of the things we don't need to take with us. I'll certainly get around to it once we get settled, but until then, I don't see much other than thinking about stuff happening.

We did get a place, a sort of mini townhouse in the Brookline area, it's a bit of a commute for me, but I'm ok with that, I won't be driving, so I can use that time to read or listen or whatever. Doesn't seem like it'll be so bad, I've made similar commutes before, and that was actually driving, so surely this will be better. I'm excited to be moving and FINALLY getting a start on grad school, but also a bit sad to be leaving everyone and everything I know behind. I'll be a bit homesick at first, I'm sure, but once I start school, I'm sure it will get better. And when Dan finds a job too, that's a little nerve wracking for us. It's hard to believe we're moving in two weeks, it's hard for me to believe this is really happening after 3 years of rejection (ok, so the first one doesn't really count, whatever), it just seems unreal. wow.

Copywrong

2009-05-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

So, about that "recomposing" thing. I started sketching, and after some looking into copyright laws and fair use and other law-talk gobbledygook, I've come to the realization that my sketches are WAY too close to the original and this is going to be way harder than I anticipated if I want to avoid asking for permission (which I would rather). And may quite possibly be put on hold in favor of finishing the band piece.

I realize the importance of protecting works, but it really would be helpful if things were more clear. Actually have a definition of "fair use" for example, rather than it pretty much being contingent on how good your lawyer is if the original holder finds out and takes action. Or clear definitions on what is and isn't under copyright. And enough with the keeping things under copyright forever (coughMickeycough), I'll NEVER get to use some of Kahlil Gibran's works this way.

I think maybe for now I'll stick to the really old stuff that is most certainly in public domain. which frankly doesn't excite me much.

overlooked. AGAIN.

2009-05-20T16:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, two blogs in one day, though this one is just angry venting so I don't actually start yelling at people and punching them in the face. I really would like to hit something now.

SO ANGRY!

So I didn't even think to check, until I got an email today, about the orchestra concert in June. The email included the program, even included soloists names and such, BUT DIDN'T HAVE MY PIECE. No mention of it whatsoever, even though it's been on the program for a year, way before the other pieces were programmed (least, to my knowledge). I'm pretty sure it was an oversight and just a mistake, but it still makes me mad. Because I feel shafted by the whole Glasow thing, and this, and I've had enough. I feel like I've done a lot for that place and just feel a little unrecognized right now. And angry.

And like I can't wait to be at NEC. Maybe it will be different there.

recomposing

2009-05-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

Blog, it's been a month, in which I can't say a whole lot has happened. I had three movements of my band piece read, which remain the only three movements completed. The band director at the high school I went to is interested in it, which is certainly good. Otherwise, I do have a couple of performances coming up, my piece for Orcheste dB, CSUEB's new music ensemble entitled "Didaskalos" will be performed on their concert May 28 at 7:30, and the CSUEB orchestra is playing "After the Rain" on June 4 at 7:30, both in MB1055 at CSUEB, I believe. I encourage anyone who actually reads this to come. These performances are good for me, as I haven't had anything performed since....crap, since July. That's pretty pathetic, actually.

As is the fact that I haven't really been writing since I finished Didaskalos and what I've done of the band arrangement, though I've been toying with some ideas in my head for a while now. I'm kind of fascinated with the idea of taking someone else's music and sort of recomposing it to make it your own. I mean, in a sense, I suppose you could say that's what I did with Didaskalos, except that the original material was mine, and perhaps a bit lame. Not like the band piece, that really is just an arrangement, it's too close to the original, and so if I decide to do something with material that's not mine, it has to be much further removed from the original. I've always liked quotes in music, I laugh whenever I hear one, and that has always made some pieces more enjoyable to me. Heck, I've even discovered pieces because they were quoted in another. So taking a piece and recomposing it in your own way (because I really can't think of a better term for what I'm trying to describe) is really just quoting in a big, less-obvious way, right? So I'm thinking about that, in perhaps a string orchestra setting. I'm not ready yet to disclose the source material...and maybe I shouldn't really. Who needs to know it was originally something else other than me? That and I'm not yet sure if this is just one of my ideas that never comes to fruition or not (because I've had a LOT of those). So for now, I think and will probably start sketching today. and listen to my source material.

grad school decisions

2009-04-14T15:34:00.000-07:00

Being the day before most schools want to know if I'm coming or not, I thought I'd post a small update about grad schools. While I've already accepted NEC's offer (and they received said acceptance and I'm officially enrolled and all that), here's a rundown of each school:

Michigan: rejected
NEC: accepted and attending
UA: accepted
WSU: accepted...three weeks after being offered money. odd.
Duke: rejected
UC Davis: rejected
BGSU: accepted
SUNY Stony Brook: accepted, but no money. not really viable.
Hartt: accepted
UC Boulder: ????? still haven't heard anything. while it doesn't matter, it's still kind of nice to know, you know?

I'm quite pleased overall, and ecstatic to be starting NEC in the fall. woohoo!

Boston, here I come!

2009-03-31T18:23:00.000-07:00

I got into NEC, do dah, do dah, I got into NEC oh do dah day.

Grad school score update

2009-03-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, I've been quite sick this past week, as in I didn't even have the energy to put in a dvd and instead watched 7 episodes of House, 2 episodes of Grey's Anatomy, 12 episodes of MASH, 2 episodes of Ashes to Ashes, and about a zillion episodes of that 70's show. Copious tv watching aside, things have been great. Monday, I had a band reading of an arrangement of the first movement of my piano suite. It went over well, the band is excited and after a few adjustments, it will be fine (it was an easier movement to do). I just have to keep in mind that this is a community band and to keep things on the easier high school side of things.

Right. Grad schools. focus.

Heard from several schools in the last week. Arizona called again, just to make sure I got my acceptance notice. WSU offered money, but haven't offered acceptance (this I find particularly odd). Hartt offered acceptance and money, which is great, about half tuition. BGSU offered acceptance, but no money yet, though to be honest, I'm not really interested in going there anymore, not since my visit and certainly not now that Hartt's offer is out. I also got acceptance from SUNY Stony Brook, though they aren't able to offer me money, which is making that look considerably less of a possibility. I'm STILL holding out for NEC, but otherwise, I think Hartt is looking the most promising.

So a rundown:

Accepted: 3.5 (WSU being .5)
Rejected: 1
Unknown: 4.5 (WSU again being .5)

Looking fantastic!

What about the composers?

2009-03-03T23:47:00.000-08:00

WHAT the HELL?

I just got an email from the SF Symphony, advertising their 2009-2010 season. They talk about the great performers they're getting, and guest orchestras that will be performing. But there's absolutely NO mention of what composers they are going to play. I could give a crap who's playing (because, let's face it, outside Richard Stolzman, they aren't going to hire someone who sucks. And he doesn't suck, really. He just uses vibrato and a double lipped embouchure and I don't like his sound. but I digress) I want to know WHAT they're playing. ESPECIALLY if it's something new.

AND I was just looking because I was really hoping I didn't miss Mason Bates' piece that the symphony commissioned, and I couldn't find it. I had to google Mason Bates and look on his website because it wasn't listed on sfsymphony's site by his name. it was listed under some chick playing a piano concerto. Like I could care. But, realizing others do, at LEAST label the concerts by ALL pieces that evening. Or have a search engine so at least I can find it on your site, since, SF Symphony, you don't seem to CARE about the composers.

I mean, it's just more of the same, right? The conductors, the performers, they're all more important that the person whose music they are playing, unless, of course, the piece has been around 100+ years (ok, at least 50) and the composer is dead. And in all likelyhood a white male. How about educating the people on new music, eh? And don't give me all that bs about the public not wanting new music, because it's not true. I was there at Lindberg's US premiere (I think it was a US premiere) in June, I witnessed how the crowd applauded louder and more enthusiastically for his piece than the Debussy and Beethoven 7 COMBINED! The public isn't afraid of new music, but they won't sit through shit either, it has to be good. The solution, oh dear major symphony programmers, is not to shy away from new music all together (what, you get burned with Schoenberg, Webern, Babbit and Bouliz and you never want to give new music a chance again? What, no one ever gave YOU a second chance? SUCK IT UP! It's new, exciting, if it sucks, write a scathing review, refuse to ever program that person again, but give us a shot to begin with, don't go all preemptive counterstrike on us, how will music progress if you do that?) but to be selective in the music you do program. The selection process now is kind of lame. Just because people have made a name for themselves doesn't mean they aren't just as passe as those composers of the mid 20th century that sort of tarnished the name of new music for the rest of us. ugh!

I'm just kind of disgusted with all this. And some new music groups too, for various reasons. And if anyone says I should have had a piece on the Glasow memorial concert, heads will ROLL.

Notes from the third annual trip east.

2009-02-15T11:29:00.000-08:00

It has been a very long week, and I am happy to be home. Here's a day by day look at my trip:

Friday, Feb 6

Got up entirely too early to catch BART to get to SFO. On my flight to Phoenix, I was sitting at reading my book (Mozart in the Jungle, an interesting read, with lots of cool info about funding in the arts) when I hear someone say my name. I look up to see Dr. La Rocca, who was on my flight, on his way to Jersey. Of all the flights at all the times, we happen to be on the same one. I thought that peculiar. From Phoenix, I caught another plane to Detroit, where I was met by Andrew (who, along with his fiancee Jamie, I met at the Fresno Composition Workshop thing) who then took me to Bowling Green.

Now, I'd never been to Ohio, or Michigan, or pretty much anywhere in the midwest/wherever Ohio actually is. I knew it was going to be different, but that didn't prepare me for actually experiencing it, even if only for a few days. It was flat, flat flat flat. And gray. Way more gray than here, looking outside my window right now. It was a flat depressing gray. And so much more away from things than I'm used to.

Got into Bowling Green in time to catch the last couple of pieces on a composer recital, Jamie's, which had some extended bassoon techniques that were kind of interesting, but I still don't buy the need for electronics, and another that I don't remember much of because I was kind of nodding off. I met some of their friends, and got home to get rested for the interviews on Saturday.

Saturday Feb 7

My day at BGSU started with a talk by...director of grad studies I think? He went over a handout, I can't say I paid a lot of attention after I figured out he was going over the handout pretty much word for word, and instead tried to mentally prepare myself for the day ahead. I accidentally stayed for a talk to the instrumentalist, as my next event was in the same room and I didn't really want to leave and get lost. Then there was a Q&A with grad students, they talked of diversity and I quietly laughed to myself, and took us on a tour. We were fed lunch (Free lunch, definite plus) and I went to explore the library.

The library was...interesting. It was purple, which was a shock, and there were records hanging from the ceiling. While interesting decor, it doesn't seem very library-esque. They have a HUGE collection of random records, cds, tapes, 8 tracks, 4 tracks, and probably other obsolete media forms, and judging from what I've heard and seen, the guy in charge of that stuff is a bit of a pack rat.I then had a tour of the tech stuff with the tech person, Dr. Lillios, one of the composition faculty. I was generally lost and understood only a handful of terms. They are into this tech and tape and electronic stuff a little too much for my liking. And while I was told I didn't have to do any electronic stuff if I didn't want to, I don't know how much I believe it, since Jamie's piece the night before was electronic only because she was pressured into it. That makes me a little wary.

My actual interviews started shortly after my trip to the library. I started with an interview for an aural skills assistantship, in which I played piano poorly, but nailed a melodic dictation before he'd even gotten through all the playings, felt confident on the harmonic dictation as well, and warbled my way through a sight-singing exercise that I know I missed the modulation on, but eventually found my way back on track. Overall, felt good about it.

I then had my comp interview, which was kind of bizarre because they'd already heard about me from Jamie and Andrew. They asked me about the bowed piano stuff, since Andrew is listed in the premiere info in the score, and asked me what the bows are made of and how they work. My interviewers were Dr. Shrude who did some bowed piano in the 70s, and also knew La Rocca, Dr. Lillios who did the tech tour, and Dr. Kuehn who didn't really say much at all, except to try and figure out my connection to UC Davis (which is Kurt). They asked me about my influences, which I'd had the presence of mind to write down and go through on the plane, and thus went through it without a hitch. Since they were all men, and two of the comp faculty there were women (and, well, so am I), they kind of pushed me on that point, asking if there were any female composers I liked, who I could not think of on the spot. They kept at it, trying to suggest people (I said "no" perhaps a little too quickly to the suggestion of Joan Tower, but really, I don't like her stuff at all) but finally let it go. I ended up emailing the list of women composers (at Jamie's suggestion I should), which were Kristen Kuster, Alex Shapiro, and Toshiko Akiyoshi. They did not ask me to describe my music, for which I was grateful since I hate that question. Oh, and I asked them how hard it would be to get a large ensemble piece played, and they were honest and said it'd be quite hard, and even more difficult for orchestra than wind ensemble. Another aspect that makes me wary.

In fact, my comp interview lasted so long, I was late to the history assistantship interview, which I take as a good sign. That interview was just to describe my teaching experience, and what sort of history background I have (hooray for substitute teaching and taking unnecessary grad history courses! woot!).

My final interview of the day was for the theory assistantship, in which I still sucked at the piano but did a little better than in the morning, was so thorough in describing mistakes and how to fix them in a four part writing example that he cut me off after I got halfway through, and spelt a Fr6 in F# (which...I may have missed...I think I may have forgotten an accidental, which would make me feel really stupid after asking him to clarify if the Fr6 he wanted was to an F# chord, or to V in the key of F#, since he didn't really specify, and both are totally plausible). Overall, however, I felt good about it.

Afterward, Jamie had an orchestra concert, where I again nearly fell asleep, and the orchestra is good, but not amazing. Heard a new composer, Eric Ewazen, who I don't like at all, and heard two renditions of the Ibert concertino for sax...actually, the concert wasn't very exciting, to be honest. We then went out for drinks, which was nice post-interview. =)

Sunday Feb 8

This was a pretty lazy day, I slept in, and then went with Jamie and Andrew to the library and hung out while Jamie worked and Andrew plugged away at his thesis. I caught up on the news, quietly expressed my annoyance at people at WSU for being difficult and constantly bugging me, composed (and took a very long time on two bars, you know, the kind of day where you think you're being productive because you're working hard, but by the end of the day you realize you only have two bars to show for it...and now I'm not so sure I even like those two bars. oh well). Then went home, had some lovely food, and watched Janacek's Jenufa. Which I quite enjoyed (though could have done without the incredibly obvious stone metaphor that was beaten over my head continuously throughout) and am now thinking I should start my own opera dvd collection. We also watched Gianni Schinni (or whatever) by Puccini...you know, the "o mio babbino" one. Quite funny, although the production, which must have been from the 70s or 80s, had silly costumes and..yeah. A nice quiet night in with opera and friends.

Monday Feb 9

Today I went with Jamie to school late, composed while she was at orchestra rehearsal, then we went to the local cd store Finders, which was a very good cd store, a nice size collection of classical cds. I got one with Marilyn Shrude (on faculty at BGSU) and Dan Welcher (I want to say he's at UT Austin, but I don't remember for sure). I listened to it one the way to the airport, but don't remember much and will have to listen again more carefully. I also got a cd of Rzewski, something about people being united, I know it's one Hdez recommended ages ago, and I finally found it (they're always out of Rzweski when I go to various stores in Berkley), though I haven't listened to it yet. We then went back to the school, met up with Andrew, and I watched their quartet rehearsal of a piece by another grad student, which I actually kind of liked. After that they had a Percepta meeting, their sci student chapter, where they talked about other avenues of income for composers, including engraving, tech stuff, a bunch of other things I don't remember, and also other useful things we thought each other should know (I mentioned Lulu). I then took Jamie and Andrew out for dinner, and spent the rest of the evening listening to their music.

Tuesday Feb 10

Jamie took me to the airport this morning, and I spent the morning and early afternoon on various planes to take me to Boston (I hate plane rides, by the way, so the six flights I took over the last week really sucked, especially the one home post-buffalo incident). Once there, I was instantly happier. Something about being in a city was comforting after being in the grey flatness of Ohio, even if the cold cut through more (because it wasn’t actually much colder, but the wind, and therefore the cold, just cut straight to the bone. I wore lots of layers). And I LOVE the T, the transit system in Boston. With a Charliecard, it’s so easy…and I could get most places I felt I needed to relatively easy. In fact, we took shuttles and the T from the airport back to Frank and Sarah’s, my friends in Boston I stayed with. We then went to NEC to meet up with Sarah and so I could have my meeting with Michael Gandolfi.

The meeting went well I think, he asked me some questions, like how fast I write, and how much faster I think I could write, also asked me how many of my pieces I like (about six, but only three…I think three…are serious pieces, the others are lighter, cuter pieces). He then told me about the program, and all the incredible resources at my disposal, like orchestral readings twice a year, and they have more than one orchestra, and a resident orchestra. A resident chamber orchestra. How freaking cool is that? There are also several in house competitions, 6 or so new music concerts a year for our works, and lots and lots of things that I didn't write down but I should have because just crazy good stuff happening all the freaking time. And then he told me about all the cool stuff happening in Boston outside of NEC, and it’s just all so amazing, so much new music stuff, which isn’t to say SF doesn’t have this too, but it all seems very Bay Area, and I’m tired of that new music scene (mostly because it’s overpopulated with minimalism and post-minimalism diatonic sameness). And then he told me about scholarship stuff, and that on average students get 43% of costs (I think just tuition costs, but I’m not sure) covered by these, and that it’s possible to petition for more, which is good to know. We ended the meeting with a tour of the building we were in (NEC has three) where I saw three halls, Jordan is amazing and beautiful, Williams (I think) is the one that’s great for recording, and Brown which no one seems to like much. Also saw the audio library, various halls and things, and a giant statue of Beethoven (which I found funny, since I like NEC so much, and here they have a statue of a composer I’m not so fond of). I was impressed and now want to go to NEC (so much for not choosing a favorite school and getting my hopes up).

Wednesday Feb 11

Got a slow start to the morning, but went out to the MFA (Museum of Fine Art) to check it out. It’d been a while since I’d been to a museum and it was long overdue. Had some trouble getting to the train, and ended up out by the Boston Public Library. I’d forgotten that Kahlil Gibran had a plaque outside the library, but found it as I was looking around for the T stop I needed. Once I got to the MFA, the best exhibit by far was the musical instrument room, where I saw a trombone with a serpent head for a bell, loads of old trumpets and cornets, some with keys, an ophiclide, an old school contrabassoon, a serpent, a serpent shaped bass clarinet, other old woodwinds, a hurdy gurdy, various viols and other old string instruments, several pianos, harpsichords, clavicords, harps, and several folk instruments, including some Tibetan ones made from human bones, a nay and oud, and lots of others. I spent the longest in this room, looking at every instrument and reading every placard (because I am a nerd). Then Frank met up with me at the MFA and we headed back to their place to meet with Sarah and then go out to dinner with Meghan and Derek. It was nice to see them both again, and to do so over some good Chinese food. Derek gave me a little more insight into NEC, and it was good to get an uncensored account of life there. I still really want to go there, his complaints seem rather minor to me, and something that I’d encounter no matter where I’d go, though I appreciate his honesty.

Thursday Feb 12

Sarah and I got a late start to the day, and were headed out to the Sam Adams Beer Museum, when she realized she left the map at home, and ended up checking out the NEC library while she printed out a new one. So cool, I love libraries (because I’m a nerd) and they seemed to have quite a bit of stuff, AND they are connected up to a bunch of other libraries, so even if they don’t have it, someone somewhere probably does, and it wouldn’t be hard to get. We made it to the beer museum, which was a lot of fun, and to be honest, I don’t remember much about it other than the beer tasting at the end, which was yummy, and I was shamefully buzzed after three 7oz tastings since we hadn’t had lunch yet. Found a lovely little café, totally Berkley or Santa Cruz-esque , you know, health conscious and all that. Made our way to North End to get some canolis and hot chocolate, where we met up with Frank and had to head back so I could pack and get ready to go to Hartford. Took the T to the bus station (no sketchy bus for me this year, I went Greyhound) and caught the bus. By the time I made it into Hartford, I was too tired to bother with dinner, and instead got my things prepared for my interviews the next day and got some sleep.

Friday Feb 13

My day at Hartt was short, started with a shuttle ride from my hotel to the University (the main reason I booked this hotel ) and to be honest, the driver was a little weird… Anyway, once there I signed in, and then shortly thereafter went to take the “Music Aptitude Profile” test, which was a joke. Last year I struggled to stay awake during it, and this time was no different…in fact, it was the same exact test. The test is screechy violin sounds, and I’m supposed to identify if the two examples played are the same or different, first in terms of the melody, then in terms of rhythm or meter. I have no idea why they have grad students take this test because I imagine most undergrad applicants were bored too. It’s almost insulting, really, but whatever.

After the “test,” there was a grad student Q&A with a guy who didn’t really seem to know what was going on (and was filling in for someone who should have known more) and a current grad student. I met three other grad comp applicants, two seemed quite young and immature to me, and reminded me that they probably were younger than me, having gone through this process too many time. One in particular was quite annoying, but I played nice, no reason to be an asshole yet, may never see the person again. Anyhow, after the Q&A, the other composers went to lunch while I went to go to my interviews.

I think my interviews went really well, I met with Robert Carl first, and it took him a while to remember me. He asked about writing my orchestral piece since something I’d written in the program notes had caught his attention, and I tried to explain what I meant, in any case, I kept talking even if I wasn’t being particularly clear or eloquent. He also asked who I’ve been listening to lately (and since this was the third time through this question, it was easy). He then told me that my chances of getting in were quite good, though he obviously couldn’t make any guarantees, and that he thought my portfolio this year was much better than last years. I then asked him about opportunities for getting pieces played by large ensembles (quite good), and if starting up bowed piano would be realistically feasible (absolutely). After meeting with Dr. Carl, he then took me over to my interview with Ken Steen, who’s the electronic guy (though he writes for acoustic groups too). He hadn’t seen my scores yet, so I was glad I’d brought extras with me, which I then handed to him. He seemed to be most impressed with how the scores looked (a BIG thanks to Hdez for that!) and even asked if they were done in Sibelius (which they weren’t). He asked how I got started in music, what my instruments were, and then he asked me about my views and involvement in electronics. I was honest, said I tended to stay away from such things because most of the electronic stuff I’ve heard it seems the electronics aren’t really necessary, like tape pieces, but that I wanted to keep and open mind and I felt I’d still benefit from learning tech stuff. It turns out this wasn’t such a horrible response, as he felt similarly before he got into the electronics stuff.

After that, my day at Hartt was done, and I was kind of pissed that I didn’t know sooner so that I could have booked my plane home on that day (since I was really missing home by then). I was even more pissed waiting 45mins in the cold for the shuttle to come get me. Once back in the hotel I relaxed a bit, started to pack again, and then headed back to Hartt for the collage concert, where they have a little bit of everything (oh, and the jazz program there is kind of pathetic…just to note). The concert was good, one of the musical singers was obnoxious and I couldn’t stand her voice (not to mention it wasn’t in tune), found that Carmina Burana done by wind band just isn’t as good (I’m a bit of a purist that way I suppose) and noticed that I don’t understand ballet much at all. The orchestra was good, they played Bartok, and some amazing (and one not so amazing) tenors singing “o sole mio.” At this point, I left since the shuttle was supposed to be waiting for me. Half an hour later and three phone calls, the shuttle finally got there (I was again pissed, since I could have stayed for the whole concert). I got back, ate some cheap pizza, finished packing and got ready to go home.

I arrived home on Valentine’s Day, and was really glad to be home. All in all, I think I’d be pleased at Hartt or certainly NEC, and I think I did the best I could at all of these interviews. Should hear from BGSU soon, and NEC by early March (they don’t have formal interviews, another reason I’m hoping my visit gives me a bit of an edge). Still have to record a cd for WSU, since I just can’t see travelling up there, especially after all the scheduling conflicts with them, and now as far as everyone else goes, I think I just wait.

weird

2009-01-27T23:09:00.000-08:00

The dishwasher is making sounds like the squeaking wheels in the third movement of Bainbridge's Ad Ora Incerta.

weird.

and a little creepy.

cmashing

2009-01-25T10:23:00.000-08:00

Last night Dan and I ventured out to the city to see a CMASH concert. I knew one of the composers on the program, and the singer also, both of whom I'd met at the CSU Summer Arts Fresno thing. The concert was at the SF Conservatory, in the recital hall.

Ann (the singer) was amazing. The pianist was great too, but let's face it, these were all art songs and so it really was all about the singer for the most part. The concert opened up with a collection of A A Milne songs (you know, the Winnie the Pooh guy), which were cute little pieces about childhood. It's nice sometimes to go to a concert where not everything is trying to be the greatest thing since sliced bread. Really people, it's ok to have cute little pieces. And this was one of them, good cute little pieces.

The next song was by a more established composer, John Thow. I know I'd heard the name before, but I didn't really know who he was. Just a glance at his dates and of the piece (started in the 80s and finished in 2003) was clue enough to what I was going to be hearing. It was alright...I mean, it wasn't new, but it didn't suck, though I still wouldn't run out trying to find eveything John Thow or anything. I heard some people afterwards who were talking about it, who didn't like it. But whatever, you take a chance going to a new music concert. It was definately different from the rest of the concert, and quite jarring after the first piece, and so maybe these audience members were caught off guard. I don't know, I've been to enough of these to come to expect this kind of thing. Whatever.

The final piece on the first half was probably my least favorite of the night. For one, Ann got covered up by the other instruments (bass, drums and piano, of course an unmiked singer will get covered up!) and then there was the matter of the music itself. Obviously, this composer was influenced by minimalism, which isn't a complaint really, I like minimalism, it's influenced me too. But it had minimalism and was emotionally manipulative and had monty python-esque transitions, none of which seemed to work together at all and most of which made me quietly cringe in my seat. especially the emotionally manipulativeness, and no, I doubt I could adequately explain what exactly that means.

After the intermission, we came back to hear a collection of songs I failed to understand. I'd heard one of the songs before, though it had been rewritten since I heard it. Each piece on it's own was ok, I still didn't care for the over-the-topness of the one I'd heard before, but they didn't seem to make much sense to me as a collection. I get that each poem was about the moon, but shouldn't there be more to tie everything together? Either I missed it, or it wasn't there.

The second song of the second half was again influenced by minimalism, and upon research in the program, found he studies with the guy who wrote the piece just before the intermission. It sounded a little immature to be honest, and so I think this composer has more to learn.

The last piece was probably the one I enjoyed the most. This composer was one of the more established, has written a bunch of operas and is composer in residence at SF opera I believe. Now this was good. Admittedly, the first of the four songs had a lot of pentatonicness going on, and yeah, maybe it was a bit much, but it made sense, there was never a point in the piece where I didn't understand what was going on, there was never a transition that didn't make sense. And I had the feeling I'd actually heard the third song before somewhere else, as another piece...it seemed very very familiar. But despite all these complaints, the last collection was quite good. In fact, quite amusingly, the last of these songs was exactly the kind of thing that two of the other pieces were trying to be, with the exception that this last song succeeded.

Even though this criticism may seem a little harsh, I did enjoy the concert, and it gave me the chance to hear what other young composers are writing. In fact, I enjoyed it more than I've enjoyed some of the composer inc concerts I've been to recently.

On the graduate school front, still no new news. have booked my trip out to BGSU and Hartt (and NEC as a side trip, no interview there).

Last week I had my first lesson in...two months? eek. Anyway, I was working on a bowed piano and chamber choir piece...and after a lot of post-lesson thinking, debating, and whatnot, I've come to the conclusion that the piece I was working on is not the piece I should be working on. From a practical stand point, that's not the piece that will get played. A piece I can workshop with the new music ensmeble at school, that's a piece that I can learn from. Even a band piece would be more practical, it would not be difficult to get one performed (it would, however, be difficult to write a band piece I didn't think was crap). So, after all I heard yesterday, I think I'll have some ideas to try and work with this week.

LAME

2009-01-23T00:32:00.000-08:00

http://cbs5.com/national/recorded.music.inauguration.2.915727.html

Rejected

2009-01-20T21:16:00.000-08:00

So I got a very thin letter from Michigan. Just seems like they could have sent it in December and save me from getting my hopes up. Because I totally did.

The score:

Accepted: 1
Interviews: 2
Rejected: 1
Unknown: 6

Accepted!

2009-01-15T14:30:00.000-08:00

So all the anxiety over waiting to find out if I have interviews and stuff at the various schools I've applied to was driving me crazy. It started to get old, walking out to get the mail, and coming back empty-handed. Then today, I got an interview for Hartt in the mail, come back in the apartment, and get a phone call from Dan Asia at University of Arizona calling me personally to say he's heard my music and wants me to come to Arizona! I was accepted over the telephone (pending receipt of my transcripts, which haven't seemed to get anywhere they are supposed to, had to send out Hartt's three times, so very annoying) in a call with the professor I'd like to study with. So much more personal than all those mass rejection letters I've gotten the last three years. It's comforting to know at least one place wants me. I'll be going to school somewhere next year! Yippee!

So the current score is:

Accepted (at least sort of): 1
Interviews: 2
Unknown: 7
Rejected: 0

looking good!

Hello 2009!

2009-01-03T00:28:00.000-08:00

Well, blog, it's been a while, most of which was spent frantically mailing and filling out graduate applications. Happily, this year did not see a rejection letter on Christmas eve, breaking a two year tradition. In fact, there have not yet been any rejection letters, making me quite pleased. BGSU confirmed an interview date for February, whether or not this means I've made a cut or if everyone gets an interview, I don't know, and right now, I don't really care either.

Sadly, there has been very little music writing happening, though really, that's par for the course post-grad apps.

Oh, and I made some pasta in the pasta maker tonight. took twice as long as it should have, but turned out well. I'm proud.

Here's to hoping 2009 includes an acceptance letter. Cheers!

A list of yays and boos.

2008-11-15T00:34:00.000-08:00

YAY! I finished my piece. excluding some bowings and harp notating...and making the score look pretty.

Yay! The seminar today was absolutely perfect timing. Score prep, just as I finish a piece and need to send things out to grad schools. And now I know where to go to tape all my parts for orchestra.

Boo! AMC incorrectly listed a competition as having a postmark deadline when their website states it is a receive by deadline. for tomorrow...well, today now, I suppose. damn. on the plus side, now I don't have to print out five copies of my orchestra score (who the hell needs five copies of the score???).

Yay! However, I will be entering another competition, whose is a postmark deadline. Woohoo!

Boo! Have to write my essays still. though now that my piece is done-ish, I can start cracking down.

Boo! GREs. enough said.

I have to say, more of a yay day than a boo day.

YAY!

depress-inc

2008-10-16T00:19:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to the first composers inc concert of their 25th season. And I found it highly depressing. That is, hearing the music, then reading these people's bios, was the biggest contributor to the depressingness of the experience. The first half of the concert was twice as long as was necessary, and didn't have music that kept my interest much. There was a CSUH grad whose piece was played, and I wanted to like it, but I didn't actually like it much. The second half was better, but still the songs were too fucking long. The concert started at 8 and got out at 10:30 or so. TOO LONG!!! Anyhow, the first song of the second half was probably the best in my opinion, but unfortunately I don't remember much other than it was the shortest and that I liked it more than everything else. The second song had some cool concept thing, but was a little too triadic and way way way too long. And the last piece was a percussion piece by a freaking kid. I think he just started college or something, and his piece didn't suck. You know, the kind of person who makes you feel like shit because they're so much better than you were at their age.

And reading all those bios, they all went to good schools and studied with good people, and I didn't like most of what I heard, and yet almost all of them made it into a decent grad school or studied with someone of note, or have jobs at name schools, and I can't even fucking get in. And I realize it's really stupid to compare, than for several composers there is a sizable age gap, but it's hard not to.

And yeah, my piece is at a standstill, much like grad apps, because I am doing my typical "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed so I will avoid everything," which I should know by now, doesn't work. I just hate the grad application process SO MUCH. And I think I will have a tee-shirt made that says "DON'T ask me about grad school" because I'm sick of answering the questions. No, I haven't made a list of where I'm applying, I haven't been doing much of anything about it because I HATE it. HATE hate.

Anyhow, back to the concert, I just find less and less gems in the concerts than I used to. And while I know my tastes have changed, I can't imagine that they've changed that drastically. It's just...well it sucks. I mean, the organization is only as old as me, and yet it doesn't feel new at all anymore. So it was depressing.

to quote and not quote

2008-10-08T23:33:00.000-07:00

First off, I finally managed to word an email to a comp professor at Michigan that I sent out tonight, I hope it doesn't sound too stupid.

Tonight, I played clarinet on one of my former professor's works (I'm not playing the concert, just reherasals, which is just fine with me as it's an excercise in longtones and my intonation is nowhere near what it needs to be for the piece) and the conductor wasn't kidding when he said it was very Arvo Part. I mean, I know that's his thing, it's what he likes, and it's what I like too, but still. there were parts that seemed really close to Part's Te Deum. And this isn't the first piece of his that closely resembles another like this. I don't know why it bothers me, but it does. And it completely makes me question things that I use and "quote" (so to speak) in my own music. Is it as obvious to others? does it bother them? Should I care? Then there's what was discussed in seminar last week, though the examples given were much more...personal? That is to say, any "quotes" were not very obvious and were altered into something new. (by the way, I think it funny that the word quote is in quotes)

I don't know. just things to think about I suppose.

Not Second

2008-10-01T23:49:00.000-07:00

Apparently I did not suck as much as I thought on my audition. I am first clarinet. And I am very very happy about that. We're playing Mozart's Requiem, which I've subsequently had stuck in my head all night, which is fine because I love it. And I know tonight was just a reading, but it's really hard to play the dies irae that slow...I'm so used to listening to it at tempo. and I'll ask fred about basset horns on friday, since we have the parts, and I'm up for trying the thing. so exiciting

Oh, and I'll be playing the clarinet solo for La Rocca's piece during rehearsals (Diane's playing the concert) which I think is pretty darn nifty too. Plus, I can look at La Rocca's writing from both a player's perspective and that of a composer, which is interesting to me.

So, yay for orchestra. I love playing in orchestra. especially when I'm not playing second.

bombing auditions, bowing pianos, and bonestter's daughter

2008-09-29T22:30:00.000-07:00

I bombed my orchestra audition. While I didn't feel nervous, my body reacted like it does when I am. My breathing went to shit and even though I'd take huge breaths, I was only able to use the bit like with shallow breathing. Had to exhale and inhale during breaths because I couldn't use all my air. It was like I was an oboe player or something. Then my embouchure disappeared because I haven't been playing as much. Finally, and this was the killer, the bit that keeps your mouth and nose separate (soft palate?) totally went out on me, and while I was playing, I couldn't control where my air was going, so it came out my mouth and my nose at the same time. This has happened before, but never in an audition, or frankly, in any situation where I couldn't stop to catch my breath a bit. So...I learned you can play with air coming out your nose and mouth...for about 8 seconds. I had to stop during my audition because all the air was coming out my nose and not the clarinet, and that's no good. find out wednesday what parts I'll get. I just hope I don't have only second parts. second clarinet parts in orchestra suck the most. I defy you to find a suckier part.

Also today, I entered my very first competition. Some university in ohio has a new music festival and had a call for scores. I don't think i'll win, but since it was a piece I already had and only cost me $2 to mail, I don't really care. point is, I entered a competition and put my music out there.

Last Friday was the beginning of bowed piano, and I'm excited that the ensemble has so many members. Admittedly, I wouldn't mind if one dropped...but whatever. we made some bows, went over basic technique (a few people are naturals at it, which is exciting) and tried to play simple things. Looking forward to another session of bowing strings!

Last Thursday I met with a vocalist I'd worked with at Fresno about my new vocal piece, which goes with the one I wrote last year. I got super excited at the prospect of her singing for me (YAY!) because she's a good musician...and a singer. And the two are not always mutually exclusive. Will meet with her again in mid october, by which I said I'd have the piece done...and I think I should.

And last weekend, I went and saw Bonesetter's Daughter at the sf opera with my mom. It was good, I'm convinced Amy Tan only writes about chinese women, actually, usually several generations of chinese women, who have been abused in some way. Which isn't a complaint really, just an observation. Anyhow, I thought it was good, I was happy it wasn't...oh how to describe? Let's just say it seemed to me a good combination of traditional chinese and modern musical materials. Actually, that's a shit descirption, but it will have to do. The part I remember the best is the opening, which had the same material as the closing, so maybe that's why, but I liked it. And my mom liked it too, which I thought was good. Now, if the opera could make my seat actually worth what I paid for it, I'd be much happier. Why can't they give me enough room to stretch my legs a bit...or hell, stretch them at all? My knees (which have lots of issues) got so stiff and painful because I couldn't move that they hurt for several days. And I'm not even tall.

Alright, I think that's enough musical update for one night.

Becoming British

2008-09-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

I have started drinking tea. Which is surprisingly good.

I said "rubbish" yesterday in a lesson without even thinking about it.

I've watched more british television than I've ever watched of american tv. and I know dcotor who better than I ever knew (or ever wanted to know) of any similar american programming. oh, and it's not just the accents.

Now, so long as I don't revert to my modal-toting "I want to be a mini vaughan williams" stage, everything should be fine.

Not so simple

2008-09-10T23:35:00.000-07:00

oh goodness. where to begin.

Today I found myself contemplating one of my compositions. A song I had written in Fresno. It is simple, very simple, incredibly exposed, so much so that I was so nervous when it was performed, I was nearly sick to my stomach. At first I figured if I was that nervous at the performance, then I must be uncomfortable with the piece and should change it.

But when I think about changing it, I start to second guess myself. Maybe it's not that I need to change it, maybe it's just that it is so much more exposed. the piece makes me feel like I'm standing naked in front of an audience.

And then I got to contemplating about the fact that I very clearly reference the second movement of Gorecki's Third symphony (which was not written by a child, per se, as I mistakenly remembered, but an 18 year old girl...though still a young person)and wondering about that. So I listened to it again today, and the more I listened, the more it seemed...well, wrong, insensitive perhaps, to have refereced it in my piece. Just that the subject matter is so sensitive. Oh I don't know.

But people like the piece. The singer loved it, other audience memebers loved it, it was liked well enough by the powers that were to put it on the concert to begin with, and I've actually been told to send it in my protfolio over some of my other works (whether or not I will I haven't decided).

For such a simple piece, it's quite a conundrum

MIDI

2008-09-08T15:52:00.000-07:00

In my quest to dicover which graduate schools I will be throwing myself at this year, I've been looking and listening to the faculty at these places. One I came across had midi files to listen to on their website, and I just don't know why they bothered. Even I know midi is not particularly helpful, and really, I have to make sense and imagine enough with midi for my own works, I don't need to do it for yours too, especially when there are several other selections which are real audio recordings (oy, it just got worse, please DON'T put in midiazations in the middle of real recordings, it's dreadful. Just put the movements you have real recordings of and let it be). Though, I must say, kudos for at least having a freaking website, and with music written since I was born, I do appreciate that.

midi: must I decipher it?

Bainbridge

2008-09-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

The first time I listened to Simon Bainbridge's Ad ora incerta, I thought it was wierd and creepy. Because it is. But I didn't think I'd voluntarily listen to it all that much.

And now I am. and I'm liking it more and more. despite, and maybe even because of the creepiness.

I was working on my vocal piece, and I was suddenly inspired to listen to this piece. My piece is not nearly so strange or out as Bainbridge's, but it is maybe a little more out for me (least I think so). especially like the opening of the second movement, the high bassoon and voice makes it sound like two voices, I think it's great, and I'm going to try to use it.

On a side note, I have the music from the fire-engine scenes of Fahrenheit 451 stuck in my head, which I just looked up and it's Bernard Herrmann. go figure.

Routine works

2008-08-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

I've heard it before. That having a regular routine increases productivity. I never bought it, never thought it'd work. Figured maybe that was the case for more mundane tasks, or other kinds of work, but not for creative artistic kinds of things.

yeah, I was wrong.

See, this past week I've been composing at roughly the same time every day (or at least doing things in the same order, even if it doesn't line up to exactly the same time every day) since I sort of slacked off last week and have a lesson with Kurt tomorrow. And it works. This morning has probably been one of my more productive composition sessions. I've seen the light. Whether or not I can keep it up is another matter.

I think Dan going back to work helps a bit too. Less reason not to compose. Less distractions. Plus, since he's off making money, I'd feel really guilty if I just piddled around all day. Might as well be productive too.

Then there's the whole not wanting to disappoint Kurt, since I've only had one lesson with him and he hasn't seen me at my lamest like some of my other comp teachers. I'd rather like to give off the impression of being competent rather than a slacker.

Now, if i could just get the workers hedge trimming and leaf blowing around my apartment to go away for a while, I'd be set.

The king of nerds

2008-08-23T00:19:00.000-07:00

I saw the nerdiest movie ever tonight. I defy you to find one nerdier. It's called "The King of Kong" and it's a documentary. A documentary about...

Donkey Kong.

seriously. It's about this huge (and I do mean huge...world war II pales in comparison to the way these guys talk about the whole thing) rivalry between these two incredible nerds and their ultimate quest to obtain the highest score.

But that's understable. nerdy, but understandable. But there are tournaments and they are super serious, and then there are these other people, who are video game referees. Which wouldn't be so funny except they take themselves too seriously (no, actually, it would be so funny). And there's a website that records the highest scores and is officially recognized by guiness book of world records.

and these gamers, who were probably laughed at and excluded in their youth, are more cliquey and ruthless and childish than most children. It's actually sad.

I can say I feel a lot less nerdy after watching it. Though I do have an urge to play donkey kong.

return from Fresno

2008-07-30T14:18:00.000-07:00

It was a long exhausting two weeks of composing mayhem, but I not only managed to refrain from melting in the heat, but also complete (more or less) two pieces that were premiered at the culmination concert. It was an awesome experience, it was great to work with the guest artists (some of which are in my own backyard, making working with them in the future highly likely) and even better to have some interaction with other composers. But since it's hard to write down all the greatness that happened (and who knew such greatness could come from Fresno?) I'll simply supply a list of the highlights:

Met Kronos, worked with Hank Dutt, the violist, and after a masterclass with David Harrington, the first violinist and founding member of Kronos, in which he related a story about his granddaughter, I wrote a song for her, which I then gave to him. Incredibly nerve-wracking, but still. Kronos has my music and information. Can't be bad.

Also worked with the other guest artists: Ann Moss (amazing singer, explained the voice in a way no one else ever has and it makes perfect sense), Stefan Poetzsch (violinist/composer who works with electronics. Finally, someone who uses electronics that isn't tape), Kurt Rohde (violist/composer, fantastic. amazing. and just won the Rome Prize. incredibly talented), Howard Frazin (composer, teaches at Longy, I think? great to work with, especially with the vocal stuff), Ken Froleich (composer, teaches at Fresno, teaching style much like Hdez, and he was great fun to hang out with too) and Guy Livingston (amazing pianist, and one of the funniest people I've ever met. And he was totally into the bowed piano thing).

Brought the greatness of bowed piano to fresno, which many people were interested in and will probably travel out to socal and ohio at least.

Learned that I can write fast, though it unfortunately involves writing a hell of a lot of crap and having deadlines.

Learned a lot of extended techniques for instruments that I'd never thought about using before. I always thought they were stupid cheap tricks, not interesting choices in color. I've been educated.

Saw an asshole clown, learned about dada, and saw a truly terrible film.

Made good friends, and got advice about grad school, after probably annoying everyone the first few days when we were all trying to get to know each other and I stated plain and simple my ambitions were to get into grad school. several times.

Also found that there are the same types in every group of composers: the good composers, the ones who are friendly but just not quite developed enough yet, the annoying ones whose music really isn't so bad, but their personalities makes it almost impossible to enjoy it, and the cocky ones whose music isn't nearly as good for as cocky as they are about it. Yup, that pretty much sums up most of the group, and really, most were in the first two catergories. Maybe that's really awful of me to catgorize everyone like that. oh well.

I had a fabulous time, much better than I had anticipated, and I've made lots of good connections from it. Now that I've somewhat recovered from the lack of sleep and copious amounts of caffine I was pouring into my system, I'm ready to keep up the composing, and get some pieces finished before grad apps.

And as much as I enjoyed my time in Fresno, it's good to be back home.

Um

2008-07-10T00:36:00.000-07:00

hi, yeah, can I get more than three days notice, please? thanks.

forty percent

2008-07-03T23:58:00.000-07:00

Today I was supposed to teach ten students. I taught four, and one of those had her last lesson today. one cancelled earlier this week, which is fine (sucks for me, but at least they gave me suitable notice). One cancelled the day of, so they'll still pay, another cancelled hours before her lesson, she skipped lesson to go to happy hour (really, don't admit this to the teacher, I don't want to know that, just say you can't make it, because you're still paying anyway). Which means that three others just didn't show. Not cool. And it's been happening a lot lately. So I'm freaking sick and tired of it and erased their asses. New policy: Don't show, lose time slot. I don't care why you didn't show, it's rude, inconsiderate, and inexcusable. If you want to take lessons again, sign up, but be prepared to pay for the lesson you missed and pay for the rest of the month in advance at the beginning of the lesson. I don't want to spend the first fifteen minutes of my next student's lesson arguing with you about paying for the missed lesson. That's it. Period.

four out of ten. sucks.

In other news, I should be getting an email from the head of the csu summer arts about what to write and so forth, which I only know because I asked since I write so slow, I figured any head start would help. He wrote to tell me another email would be coming soon, though since it's almost a week away, that doesn't seem like it'll give me much of a heads up. oh well.

As elusive as cracked wheat

2008-06-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

Today my brother, Dan, and I all went to Berkley in search of cheap cds and music scores (or at least that was my agenda). I was especially eager to find some Magnus Lindberg after the concert I heard last week. However, there was no Magnus Lindberg to be found. Ameoba didn't even have a space for him, and Rasputins was just out. I was disappointed that I couldn't find Lindberg there, I figured that would be one place I could. He was as elusive as cracked wheat (which no one seems to know about or carry, even though it's a staple of Lebanese cuisine, and which I spent several hours searching for last week). I did find a Golijov opera with Dawn Upshaw singing, a SF Symphony recording of Sessions and some other guy (it was cheap and looked interesting), Kronos performing Lutoslowski (because I know nothing of him) and Tavener's Protecting the veil, as well as the score to a Vaughan Williams string quartet and a book which compiles many composers' thought on music and the composition process.

We came home to find our bathroom flooded, turns out they've been doing work in the apartment above us and it leaked through the light fixture into our bathroom. Leaked to the carpet, which is soaked, into one of the small closets. They're going to cut a whole in the ceiling of the bathroom so it can dry (and because it's soaked and ruined) and so all in all it's a mess.

Behold the music!

2008-06-22T14:23:00.000-07:00

Friday night, Dan and I went to the symphony to see the US premiere of Magnus Lindberg's Seht die Sonne. It was freaking amazing, I enjoyed it so much that I tried to go again yesterday (the cheap tickets were all sold out though, so I didn't). Also on the program was an orchestration of Debussy's Songs of Youth and Beethoven 7, both of which I could care less about. The orchestrations did not impress me, and it's no secret I don't much care to listen to Beethoven. But the Lindberg was totally worth it, I just wish it had been last and not first, so I could have left with him in my ear and not Beethoven. I have determined from this concert that I need to get my hands on more recordings of Lindberg and some scores so I can begin to figure out some of his tricks (especially interested in the treatment of brass and bass voices, and he seems to treat them quite specially). One thing I've learned from the piece I heard Friday: Bass clarinet is freaking awesome and can be heard as a distinct soloistic voice in the midst of the orchestra. I would have pegged it to be easily overpowered (though I'm sure if one is stupid about orchestrating, it would be). Lindberg was there too, and apparently gave a pre-concert talk (had I known, I would have gone to it too, I figured they were just going to talk about Beethoven. Again. And they wouldn't let me just go to the pre-concert talk and not the performance yesterday. bastards).

I was impressed that it was so well received by the audience, further proof that new music is enjoyable to the masses (albeit the masses that attend classical concerts) and there should be significantly more of it in the programming of major symphony orchestras. I went to 1 symphony performance this season, only 1, because I don't feel a need to hear the same old tunes being rehashed again and again. I want some new stuff. Though, as much as I dislike Beethoven, I think it was awfully smart programming, because it introduced a new living composer to people who probably attended just for the Beethoven. As for the Debussy, eh, whatever, I'm convinced Ravel wrote better songs, though that may just be that I don't like sopranos other than Dawn Upshaw, who I have singing Ravel's Mallarme settings.

In other news, I was accepted and received a scholarship to the CSU Summer Arts program in Fresno, where I will be spending two incredibly hot weeks of July. I'm excited, I just hope I can write fast enough and keep up, and don't get burnt out.

Das is gute

2008-06-03T23:56:00.000-07:00

I feel accomplished today. I taught, went to the post office to mail a score to Tim and cd to one of my interviewers who couldn't remember my music, went to the bank, cleaned up the kitchen which I hadn't done in days, went for a ten mile bike ride, and did laundry. Hopefully tomorrow I can focus on composing, since I have pretty much all day to do it.

This weekend I went to San Francisco to see a dress rehearsal of Das Rheingold with my mom. Of course, it was the same night as the Black and White Ball, which meant that half of Van Ness and Grove were closed off, making actually getting to the War Memorial opera house a bit difficult. Had to stop to explain to security guard that we were trying to go to the opera house, he didn't seem to understand that we really weren't interested in going to the black and white ball to see Seal...so while he was stopping some other unfortunate couple trying to get to the opera, we went on ahead.

The opera was good, and while I realize these stories all come from another era, I'm really sick of all the wussy female characters. Just saying. I loved the giants, I think they were really well done. Not sure I understand why everyone was in dress from the 20s or something, but whatever. The singing was great, the opera made sense, and it was only 2.5 hours (I thought it was going to be 4+ hours, being Wagner and all). Not to mention I had a great time out with my mom. All in all, good.

Oh, and Friday I had a good lesson when I totally thought it was going to suck. Which is good. Especially as I wasn't feeling well and was absolutely exhausted (went home and took a three hour naps. Naps are good). Hopefully I can keep up the string of good lessons.

More feedback is better.

2008-05-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have now heard back from all four interviewers, one who said he'd get back to me now the semester was over, one who basically told me to be myself in future interviews, applications, and competitions, as well as encouraging me to continue writing, and one who told me he was sorry I wasn't accepted but that he couldn't remember my music, and that I was welcome to send a cd (which I think I will do), as well as the one I mentioned in my last post. I'm just astonished that these people all responded, I totally thought I'd get blown off and disregarded completely. It makes me feel a bit more like a real person and less like a number on a piece of paper that just didn't make the cut.

In other news, I told a former professor about my orchestra piece and he's interested in looking at it, my husband promoted my music among his collegues (which makes me quite happy) and I am sick. the last sucks, but I'm combating it with lots of fluid and british television. because really, british television cures everything.

Feedback is good.

2008-05-19T15:53:00.000-07:00

A friend suggested I email the professors I interviewed with at Hartt and Peabody, and I heard from one of the Hartt professors today. I was surprised to get any response at all, much less one so detailed. He assured me that the applicant pool was very talented this year, that I was on the borderline of being accepted, and should I apply again I was assured my application would be looked at positively.

He then went on to talk about my portfolio, suggesting I remove a piece from it in applications as it doesn't show as much potential as some of my other pieces, and seems somewhat naive (he explains it much more eloquently, and I don't disagree. it's an earlier work, and while I totally understand his comments, it doesn't make me like the piece any less).

He ended by saying they thought I needed another year to expand and improve, and encouraged me to keep going, keep studying, and keep trying.

It just feels so much better to have this feedback, it makes the sting of rejection a little less strong, and gives me more encouragement to keep plugging away.

A long full day

2008-05-13T00:39:00.000-07:00

Today, was great. Started with counterpoint, which went as usual, and after a cup of super-sugared joe, worked on my piece some. Then I went to band rehearsal, filling in for a collegue for the concert tonight, and played the stupidist instrument ever invented. It is more stupid than viola, it surpasses ophicleide in uselessness, and is quite possibly more finicky than a serpent. If you guessed alto clarinet, you deserve a cookie. It's just dumb. can't be heard, is cumbersome to hold, has an airy unfocused sound, it's stupid and I will never seriously write for it. Unless someone really wants me to and pays me lots of money. Maybe.

Anyhow, I wrote some more music after band, and even though between my two writing sessions today I don't think I wrote more than eight bars, I feel good about it. Usually after a good lesson, I crash, I freeze, I get stuck (btw, last lesson was a good lesson), but today, I didn't feel like that at all. I feel good about writing. So yay.

The concert tonight went well, I sight-read half of it, as the rehearsal today was pretty much just spot-checking. The walking-olifactory-challenge was less aromatic than usual, which I certainly appreciated sitting next to him most the concert. Anyhow, it went well, and I may be playing with them again.

I was going to say more but can't remember. All in all, a good long day.

12 bar blues

2008-04-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

I've got them. Spent about as long as I did Monday writing, and got an equally pitiful amount done. And similar to Monday, I feel I will have to rewrite the last four bars or so.

I don't get it. There's a freaking concrete wall in my head, separating what I do write from all the cool possibilities of what I COULD write.

I have found that I often cheer myself on with a good ole bronx cheer, and also bang on the piano screaming obscenities when I've written something particularly dreadful.

pffffft *bang* FUCK!

That's that

2008-04-28T23:14:00.000-07:00

Today, I had three whole dedicated hours to compose. three hours. In which I composed 12 bars. that's four bars an hour. That's fifteen minutes per bar. That's just under four minutes per beat. That's freaking pathetic.

and that is all.

Adore? No...2.0

2008-04-26T22:16:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went and heard Adorno at Mission San Jose as part of the Music at the Mission concert series. I'd like to start off by saying I think Adorno is a fine group. But the concert itself was not really worth the $20 I paid for it. There were four selections, one by Golijov, Zhoung Long (or something like that), Kurt Erikson, and a female composer from Azjerbaijan whose name I won't attempt here. The concert started at 8, had a 10 minute intermission, and ended a quarter to 10pm. And only had four songs on it. Every song on the concert was unnecessarily long. Maybe I don't have the patience, but it seems of late that most new music concerts I go to have really long songs on it. And lots of them.

The Golijov started quiet and pretty, and essentially sounded like a jewish Arvo Part or something, at least to start with. It was too long, but I like the jewish thing, so it was tolerable.

The next piece was surprisingly not incredibly chinese sounding (as the composer is Chinese) but was also long and did not do well in keeping my interest. Though, I did like the slap tonguing on clarinet, that is a cool sound, much cooler than on saxophone.

After the intermission, was Kurt Erikson's piece. The composer was present...in jeans and a windbreaker, and, to be honest, spoke about as well as me about his piece (though he actually did talk, whereas I don't). The piece was about St. Francis of Assisi and something about internal thoughts and stuggles or something. whatever. the piece was too long and just...I don't know. once it got past the solos and bleeps and bloops parts, the harmonies started getting rather predictable. Annoyingly so, at least for me. But all that could have been forgiven, if the piece had not been twenty minutes long.

The final piece was the Azjerbaijan composer. I had started to get a little worried when I read her bio and there was plenty mention of the second vienesse school and george crumb, also when the pianist was out preparing the piano and a small electrical device was brought out and put next to the first violinist's stuff. It was not quite what I expected. Before reading about the composer, I thought it would end up being lots of folk music inspired stuff, after reading about the composer, I thought it would be a lot of old school non-tonal or aleatoric music. It was somewhere in between. There was definately an eastern european folk music element, but it wasn't so obviously present, and while a violinist was amplified (don't know why, couldn't hear a difference, didn't seem necessary) and the piano was prepared, it wasn't just a crumb rip-off. But after three long pieces, I did not have the patience to sit and listen to another incredibly long piece...and isn't it some kind of rule not to end multimovement works with a slow (like, deathly slow) movement?

So all in all, too long, too long, too long.

Interesting day

2008-04-25T23:53:00.000-07:00

I got up, got ready to go to counterpoint, got on the freeway, and in a series of events that are both blurred and strangely clear, swerved, spun-out, and ended up faced the wrong way in the left most lane. How I managed that without hitting anyone or anything is beyond me, but I managed to make it to counterpoint only a few minutes late, though admitedly shaken.

Had a lesson with Hdez, I don't know why my brain shuts down when he asks me questions, but it does, though I think I may have been slightly less pathetic today, which is an improvement (ok, that actually sounds much worse than I mean it). I'm hopeful about composing, even though I'm kind of scratching almost everything I brought in today, but a fresh start means lots of possibilities. So yeah.

On the way home, Dan calls me, we both forgot we had tickets tonight for...wait for it...High School Musical. I'm not a big Disney person, I don't think high school was anything to sing about, and really, what's a good musical without a death or some great tragedy? So...not my favorite musical, typical disney cheese and smiley happy rainbow mentality, which is just too much for me. I can say, however, it was not as bad as I expected. So that's good.

The longest blog ever

2008-04-17T19:24:00.001-07:00

Or how I was musicked out in a week.

Tuesday: Composers Inc

It certainly wasn't the worst, though I can't say it was the best either.

I'll be upfront and honest: I was totally in a pissy mood, which probably affected my opinions about everything. Getting to tell former teachers and stuff that you failed for the third time to get into grad school can't make you feel that good, know what I mean? So I was bitchy and moody, and probably not much fun. Oh well.

So to the concert: the first piece...was kind of dumb. obviously about bees, but otherwise...well, not so exciting. I really liked Hdez's piece, for clarinet and piano, I especially liked the faster parts. There was the eight cello version of Reich's Cello Counterpoint...which was Reich to be sure. It sounded a bit bass heavy, though that could have been where I was sitting. There was a piece by a former teacher of mine, it was a little too long, I think, but my main problem with it is that it was written 22 years ago, and this was supposed to be a new music concert. I wasn't a big fan of the Ettelson award winner, it was not entirely dissimilar to the first piece (how's that for a double negative, eh?).

Wednesday: Orchestral Reading

I had my piece After the Rain read by CSUEB's orchestra. The reading went well, but the day was a disaster. I was completely underprepared, which was completely my fault. I finished the parts that day, without cues, and with apparently a lot of mistakes, which I didn't catch until the orchestra started playing. I spent half of the reading trying to get past the fact that I made so many errors. Despite all of that, I thought the orchestra read the piece well. It certainly helps to hear things in real life, though it would have been nice to have been listening from in front of the orchestra rather than from within the orchestra, but that's a whole other rant.

Friday: Kronos

thursday nothing exciting happened, but Friday I went to see my brother in Davis, and to catch a performance of the Kronos Quartet that night. Hanging out with my brother was great, the kronos performance was...alright. There were a lot of tape peices, but not cool tape pieces, tape pieces where the tape part could be done live, which just seems dumb to me. I'm not a big fan of electronic stuff, but it should at least actually NEED to be electronic. That's all I'm saying.

Saturday and Sunday: Fresno New Music Festival

Woke up earlier than normal to catch a ride with Hdez in the mini down to Fresno. Once there, much composery geekiness ensued, including bringing the greatness of theory card games to the fresnoites. Heard a lot of music, some which was good, some which was not, but an educational experience either way. Saw a percussion ensemble concert, and I was not as put off by it as I usually am by percussion ensemble concerts...maybe I finally get it. Saw another group with a clarinetist who was so out of tune, I could hardly get past it to pay attention to the music. The singer was good though, and I liked some of the pieces I heard. I especially one which used as its text quotes from presidents; I love it when music makes me laugh. Went out later, talked with some people, mostly students, and had some good beer. On Sunday I attended a rather boring meeting (as it did not pertain to me in the slightest), heard a student composers recital (interesting to hear what my peers are writing), and learned to drive a stick. I have to say, I am most pleased and proud of the last one. I didn’t break the mini, and it was fun.

The rest of this week had less music, though today I sat in on counterpoint, composed, actually practiced clarinet (and learned a new note!) and started analysis (and I do mean started…as in not far into it). Rather productive, if I do say so myself.

There was much other greatness this week, I’m sure, but I can’t seem to recall it all at this moment. What a packed week.

S is for Ssssssssssssssssss

2008-04-09T13:51:00.000-07:00

So I got up at a decent hour this morning, intending to sit in on the counterpoint class up at school (figured since I get to wait another year for grad school, a little refresher couldn't hurt). However, my car had different plans. I had a flat tire, due to a leaky/broken valve that wouldn't hold air long enough for me to drive down to the tire place. I don't have a spare--it got stolen when my car and the bottom of my trunk did (asshole!)-- so even if I did know how to change a tire (which I don't) I couldn't. So I call AAA to get towed. and they send me out a guy to put on my spare tire. my spare tire that I do not have. so, another hour later, they get me a tow truck, who tows me..geez, probably not even a mile away from my apartment. Two hours later, I have four brand new tires on my little pos car. Not exactly as I intended to spend the day, but what can you do? At least I don't have to teach until later. And if I hadn't planned on going to counterpoint, I wouldn't have even realized my tire was flat until much later. So all in all, I guess it was good that it happened when it did.

Plan B(s)

2008-04-04T22:14:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my mom today, she suggested I write an opera. I thought about this a little. Maybe it'd work. I even thought of an idea.

It would focus on a girl. a girl who had applied to the Peabrain Institute of the John Hopscotch University and was rejected yet again. It would be about her struggle to get overcome all odds and actually make it into grad school...and become a success.

Maybe not. but it was worth the laugh.

Final score: 0:6

2008-04-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

No Peabody. So angry.

No hartt for me.

2008-03-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

I got a letter from Hartt today. Yeah, a letter. You know what that means.

I damn well better get into Peabody, or I might just give up all together.

And I felt so good about both of them...

The Desert is too hot anyway.

2008-03-18T19:19:00.000-07:00

That is to say, Arizona is now out of the picture as well. Called them, they said I'd get it soon, and I got the rejection letter today. I find it kind of funny I got rejected outright by my last choice yet again.

I'd like to note, I still have not received my rejection letter from Rice.

Still waiting on Hartt and Peabody...

waiting is hard.

Musica delle Donne

2008-03-16T12:24:00.000-07:00

Thursday was the premiere performance of my vocal piece, When my Sorrow was Born. Everyone asks me how I thought it went. And I hate this question. Because as I sit there and listen, if anyone was watching me, they'd have seen me wince and cringe through every mistake. That's just what I do, at every premiere I've had. Now, this piece was kind of thrown together last minute, and so all things considered, it went pretty well. But am I happy with it? Well, honestly, I want a better performance, I want to hear it done with fewer (or even no) mistakes.

Mistakes or no, it still amazingly beneficial to hear it with live players, hear how loud certain techniques can be played, hear color combinations, find out where the singer gets covered and where she doesn't (incidently, the one spot I was worried about balance wasn't a problem at all. But some other parts were).

It makes me wonder, small though the audience was (perhaps should not hold concerts during CMEA conference time) I got many compliments. Are they just being nice? Or am I the only one who could tell the singer got two bars ahead of everyone? Is this just a case of me knowing the music too well?

As for the other music on the concert, I liked Nancy's piece, was completely unimpressed by the Chen Yi piece, and was confused by one of the other pieces...can't remember the name of the composer, but she studied with Vaughan Williams at some point, which I heard in a few bars, but otherwise it was a little too cheesy for me, even for that period. But the other movement was kind of cool and groovy. It just seemed...odd.

In my last lesson, I argued with Hdez over rhythms and how singers will actually read them. And I love the singer for my piece and all, her sound was great, but rhythm was not her strong point, and now I understand what he was saying. So in my Gloria revisions, I'm rewriting the meters to try and make them easier to read. Though, I have an orchestra reading in a couple weeks and the rhythms are harder to read than that. I'm kind of nervous about that now.

So how did my piece go? Alright, all things considered. Certainly good for me to hear live, nonetheless.

No rice for me

2008-02-28T10:25:00.000-08:00

called Shepherd school of music yesterday since I hadn't heard from them. Instead of just telling me my letter was on it's way, I was told I didn't make it. Good thing I feel really good about the peabody and hartt interviews, or I'd probably be more upset.

Had a lovely lesson yesterday on my gloria movement. I know it needs fixing, but I kind of knew that going in, so yeah. I feel good about the lesson anyway...found out most of my inklings were right, and so I should listen to them.

Rodrigo was blind?

2008-02-25T23:40:00.000-08:00

I didn't know that.

until today.

One down, one more to go

2008-02-16T18:59:00.000-08:00

At least, that I know of thus far.

Had my audition for Hartt today. The test was ridiculously stupid. And freaking annoying what with the screechy violin sounds. I think I did fairly well on my interviews, I had two, one with David MacBride and one with Robert Carl. In my interview with MacBride, I think he talked more than I did, he was telling me about the program. He didn't ask me many questions, except to tell of my musical background and how I got into composition. In my interview with Robert Carl, I think I did better. He asked me more questions, I certainly talked more, and after an initial brain freeze over my "sound" or some similarly vague question, I recovered and spoke considerably more eloquently. All in all, probably my best interview process yet, though that isn't saying much.

Saw a "collage" concert tonight, which was basically a taste of everything Hartt has to offer. And I mean everything. Overall, pretty good. Not so impressed with the jazz program, but that's not really my deal anyway. Also not as impressed with the wind ensemble, though I was told they were being conducted by a DMA student.

I'm feeling hopeful, and freaking relieved that at least one of these things is over. Not sure what the plan is tomorrow, but Monday I'm going to sit in on some classes before I hop on a train to Boston. Advanced Orchestration, and Undergrad theory class (mostly for a little review before the Peabody test, which is an actual test) and an undergrad freshman composition class which may be available for a TA position. Should be fun.

It's coooooold here, but so pretty and different. I think I could live here, at least for a couple of years.

Cause of death: suspense.

2008-02-08T23:11:00.000-08:00

Seriously, I don't know how much longer I can stand this. Still no word from Rice and ASU, and while supposedly no news is good news, no news makes me go stir crazy.

All my plane, train, and bus tickets are secured for my venture off to the east coast to convince everyone that I am indeed good enough to go to their schools and they should take me. Good thing I've finally done that now that I'm a week out.

Have been working on Gloria setting rather than the band thing. I just starting having ideas for it, and almost all the notes are down now. then comes some refining. And Hdez, I haven't touched finale for it at all, though really it's a small accomplishment as it's just a four part choir thing, but still an accomplishment nonetheless. Don't think you'll like it much, but better to write crap than nothing at all, right?

Must practice theory exams, sightsinging, and interview questions. Let's hope they don't ask me why my pieces are witty. How the hell am I supposed to answer that anyway?

Updated Score 2:2

2008-01-22T17:18:00.002-08:00

Woohoo!

I got an envelope from Peabody today. The fact that it was an envelope and not a letter just made my day. YAY! So the week after Hartt, I have Peabody.

So just ASU and Rice left.

In other news, I started writing a piece for band. I sketched some stuff out a couple of weeks ago, let it stew over in my head (code for too lazy/busy to do anything with it) and started writing it out over the weekend. I'm about 30 measures in, and it's really rough. It just seems much less stupid in my head than it does on paper, but, I'm going with it for now, because if I don't, I'll never get anywhere.

My goals in writing a piece for band is to not write a band piece. Sounds kinda dumb, but there is a distinction in my own understanding. When I was at the Midwest Clinic, I had the opportunity to hear all sorts of ensembles from around the country and even overseas. One that stuck in my head was an orchestra who played a piece by David Hollsinger. He's predominately a band composer, and the piece was blantently a band piece. Even though it was being played by an orchestra, it reeked of bandness, of all the cliche band things, and it freaking pissed me off. And I think this is where the whole "band is a four letter word" mentatlity in the music world stems from (And seriously, what the hell? Why shoot down the one avenue where composers seem to make some kind of money? From what I've seen and heard, being a band composer is one way to compose and eat and pay the rent. But anyhow). I don't like those band pieces, they're stupid and cliche and overdone. And it just seems so sad because band has all these colors to work with, and all that ends up coming out half the time is poo brown. I could name a zillion band composers I think are crap, who write music for money but have little educational or artistic value, but there are few I could name that I like. And of those, they aren't really "band composers" but composers who wrote some music for band (and, strangely enough, all the ones I like that I can think of are British. hmm). I just don't think band is all that terrible. It's accesible, certainly in the US, and it's the primary music education medium. So why not strive to write some music that doesn't suck and has educational value?

However, all those ideals, as great as they are, don't seem to stop me from writing poo brown band music cliches. But I've got to start somewhere, right?

2008-01-22T17:18:00.001-08:00

Current score 2:1

2008-01-01T16:50:00.000-08:00

Christmas eve, I got two rejection letters in the mail. From Michigan and Indiana. Was kind of hoping the orchestra piece would make a difference. oh well.

Still waiting to hear from Peabody, Arizona, and Rice. Sent in my cd for rice a while ago, am really hoping they don't put much weight on the performance aspect of it. eek.

Many good and great things happened this holiday, including santa being kind enough to bring me a new laptop. go me. And i had fun with family and friends, and a nice trip to chicago, which I hope to write about later...as new years found me laying on the couch sick and watching copious amounts of television.

Happy new year. lets hope this year finds me getting into grad school! =)

And so it begins...

2007-12-10T13:32:00.001-08:00

I got a letter from Hartt in the mail today.

I have an interview with them in February!

Hooray!

DONE!

2007-12-01T00:38:00.001-08:00

or at least mostly.

Sent in my applications yesterday. in the mail. should probably check the tracking...

Done. It's a wonderful feeling.

Still have to send rice a recording, but as that application isn't actually due until January, I'm not so worried. I just wanted to get it all done with at once.

And now I can start to do all the things I've been putting off. Cleaning, christmas shopping (or chriswaanziolstikkah shopping for you politically correct types), actually spending time with friends and family, and not running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

Applying to grad schools was expensive. I damn well better get in this time.

I Hate Grad Apps Even More!!!!!

2007-11-24T12:35:00.001-08:00

Stupid Michigan online application has some sort of bug or something so that one page has a header of my old address and other information. No other page has this old information, and there doesn't seem to be any place to change that information in the actual application. Otherwise, I'm done with online applications. Just the one stupid small detail...

AAAAAHHHHHRRRRUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate Grad Apps!!!

2007-11-21T17:46:00.000-08:00

I hate the whole freaking process.

I hate writing the essays. Because, of course, none of them ask the same question. Oh no, that'd be far too simple. So I sit, and worry about writing the right things. Did I compliment them enough? Do I sound like a fucking kiss ass? AM I a kiss ass? Will they be convinced they should accept me? Did I talk enough about this, or too much of that? Did I remember to list everything? Can I word this in a way that sounds a little less desperate? UGH.

I hate trying to list my accomplishments. Feels like I'm bragging or something. When is it too much? When is it not enough? AHHHH!

I hate being up to my eyes in essays and forms and applications and supplimental applications and resumes and repetoire lists and everything. And I haven't even gotten to the ACTUAL music.

I hate being so absolutely terrified I won't get in again that I feel paralyzed.

amused

2007-11-02T12:40:00.000-07:00

Potterworld invades politics

I smiled at this. and I needed that smile right now.

Procrastinationitis

2007-10-29T15:23:00.000-07:00

I have it. I would rather be cleaning than writing my piece right now. CLEANING. I don't clean. I'm one of the messiest people I know. But right now, I'd rather be going through the zillion of boxes I haven't touched since we moved in (erm, two months ago) than writing my piece. Why, might you ask? Because it needs to be done, and quickly, and I'm not really all that far away from being finished. And it seems the closer that deadline gets, the less I feel inclined to write.

On the one hand, I'm quite tired of these pieces and I don't want to work on them anymore. On the other hand, I've invested too much time to stop now.

Off to work!
(or procrastinate a little more)

Inc.-ing

2007-10-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

Last night was composer's inc. I have to say, I was considerably more pleased with this concert than the last few they've put on.

The first piece was piano preludes by a former teacher of mine, and I liked it, especially the third movement. I've heard some of his other pieces, mostly at these concerts, and I'd never really understood or appreciated them like I did this one. This one I got, it made sense to me in a way none of his other pieces had. Also the only one of his I've heard with a key signature. =)

The second piece was...eh. it was fine. but I didn't really get excited about it. And on a first hearing, I didn't necessarily follow it all that well either. and I heard no Odd Couple in it.

Third piece was one of the two I was excited to hear (the other being the first), it was a competition winner, and I met and hung out with the composer and Hdez last weekend. I thought it was great, there were a few things here or there that I could be nitpicky about and complain (like that occasionally the saxophone part went into a brief cheesy jazzy thing that didn't seem to fit, but certain gestures on saxophone just scream cheesy-smooth-jazz-crap, and I don't think there's a way to avoid that except to stay away from those gestures). But I enjoyed the piece very much, and Dale definately has amazing classical sax chops. I was especially excited because this piece felt new to me, the composer isn't much older than me, and, it's just so exciting to hear what's being written NOW that doesn't sound like it could have been written 20 years ago.

After intermission was kind of disappointing. The fourth piece was for violin and trumpet, an interesting combination that worked better than I expected until the trumpet player took out his mute. Then it was totally out of balance to me. And the piece, it was called "Fast Lane" but didn't feel like that to me. And didn't feel new either.

Last piece I didn't like. I was bored. it was long, didn't keep my attention, and felt like it had the same sort of tonal language for the whole thing. And why, dear God, why is it that this kind of music (that I cannot figure out how to more acurately describe. angular? dissonant? old and outdated?) is plagued with angular clarinet passages that end in some upward gesture to squeakiness? Why? It happens all the freaking time in 20th century stuff for clarinet. It's old. move on. do an angular line down to the bottom of the instrument for a change, eh?

canons, canons, everywhere!

2007-10-04T00:27:00.000-07:00

I kid you not.

I have been writing canons all week.

I have pages and pages of canons. that aren't really working for me. And the one I spent the most time on today? That I just finished? I just realized I need to rework and tweak. Damnit.

I foresee lots of coffee in my future.

Orrrrrchestraaaaaaaaaa!

2007-10-02T00:35:00.000-07:00

I made the CSUEB/community orchestra! yay!

I get to work with Buddy again! yay!

I might even get my orchestra piece read sometime once I write it. yay!

I get to play clarinet again! and not silly high stravinsky who really should have just used four Eb clarinets the notes are so high I stop counting ledge lines because I can't count that high pieces (oh just kidding. I love stravinsky. even if his circus polka made me learn two new notes on clarinet). yay!

yayyayyay!

Trusting the music

2007-09-26T00:19:00.000-07:00

So Hdez, you know how you're always talking to me about how I need to just write something and trust it will work? To push further and just trust that I know what I'm doing and that what I've written will sound fine, even though Finale makes it sound like shit (but then, when does finale not sound like shit?)?

Well, it happened tonight. I don't know quite how it'll work, but I don't see why it shouldn't.

And yes, the first question in lesson will be "Does this Work?" I will now prepare myself for some circular discussion, perhaps involving geometric shapes and some post-modern gobbledygook.

Hooray for writing music!

Picking a basket

2007-09-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

In trying to build up my portfolio for grad school, it was said to me I need to have two more pieces, in addition to the Gibran setting. Last post discussed the possibility of revisiting the orchestra piece. This post is me flipping out because I cannot focus on any given piece, or pick what to work on. I'm dividing my eggs into baskets and I can't pick, I just don't know. I think all the baskets suck because I'm me and that's what I do. The orchestra piece is a mess and I can't figure out the form. I've been doing nothing but writing music and watching Grey's Anatomy for two full days and coming up with nothing. Not Good Not Good Not Good.

I do want to go to grad school. If only I could prove it.

Ressurecting the dead

2007-09-16T22:42:00.000-07:00

My lesson Thursday went well I think. I still haven't finished the Gibran piece, haven't gotten much further than I was thursday, honestly, but it's coming along. At least it should be in some state of doneness soon.

I'm thinking of ressurecting the orchestra piece from last year as one of my other two new compositions for my portfolio. I was digging through old stuff today to try and get some idea what I might write (I often dig through old stuff when trying to get ideas...see if I can't take some aspect of an abandoned piece or sketch and build something out of it) and I think I'll work on finishing the orchestra piece. I like the beginning, I think it's pretty solid, and then it gets less clear, ending with a bit that will be tossed aside, perhaps for use in another piece because it sure doesn't belong in this one. Having not really looked at it in several months, I'm less caught in the middle of it and more sure of what does and doesn't work. A fresh start, if you will.

In other news, I have gotten a day at a music store on this side of the hill, which will be fantastic, so long as I can fill the day with students. Also, had a student at Dan's school approach me about composition, asked me to look at a piece of his. I'm a little apprehensive about the whole thing, I know there are things I can help him with (ie, not writing eight-note chords for marimba when it is 1. not necessary given the harmony, and 2. impossible to play) but I just don't feel confident teaching compostion. I know I felt the same way when I first starting teaching clarinet, and I know I don't have a lot of confidence in myself, so I'm not really surprised. I know that if I'm ever going to get said confidence, I'm going to just have to take the plunge and do it. The kid is only now taking theory, which explains a lot of his piece (in all honesty, it looks not unlike something I would have written pre-composition lessons) and there are things that show me that he's not all that familiar with some of the instruments he's writing for. And I really appreciate Hdez's constant harping on marking the music, it's hard to realize how much information is given in markings until they aren't there. And it's not that I think this kid's writing isn't good, it's just uninformed, he's just a beginner, and I am not sure how to approach that. I am thinking that I will probably be emailing former comp teachers for advice before meeting with him.

Also, I am auditioning for the orchestra at CSUwhere? on both clarinet and bassoon. Figure that would improve my chances of getting in. PLaying the Stravinsky for clarinet, and not sure what for the bassoon. Need to find something that is not too hard for me...but not totally sucky either. We'll see.

Approaching the Finish Line

2007-09-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

I can see it. It's still off in the distance a bit. I'm one line away from having the whole vocal part set. Still have to nail down some of the harmonies (like...being more specific that just "F-ish" written in the staves of the other instruments), realize harmonies in other sections, and write a couple of sections of connective material in between other established sections. Also figure out how to go more smoothly in between the fast and slow sections (and visa versa). And then I'll be done. Good thing I've got almost all day tomorrow to write.

I can see the end. If I just keep running, I might just get there before Thursday.

Moving forward

2007-09-04T19:10:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a little less hysterical about my current work in progress than I was last post. It helps to keep moving forward and not let myself get stuck in the first twelve bars or something (like, say, the orchestra non-piece). Plugging away at it was hard...I knew what I wanted to do for the beginning, I know what I think I want to do for the end, it's that pesky middle bit that kept throwing me for a loop. And I'm not through with it...but I've got a better feel for things. I'm halfway through the text and about 4 minutes in, but I know I've got to expand some sections, and write a couple of instrumental sections, so it will be longer. Finally got to a faster section (Hdez will be proud the whole thing isn't quarter note = forever) with a groove, and that definately helps too. Overall, feeling a bit more confident, maybe I actually can finish this is a little over a week. Maybe. That's my goal at any rate.

Plans for next piece? Not really thinking about it, trying to focus on the task at hand. But definately something faster...and maybe majorish. I'm done with the minory thing for now.

In other news, spent most of today with my niece and nephew (She's three, he's one, they are both adorable). I had a blast with them, going to the park, looking at the ducks at the pond (we have ducks and geese and turkeys roam our apartment complex) going out to lunch and playing with them. I think they had fun too.

lyrics and music

2007-08-20T15:18:00.000-07:00

Lyrics suck.

Or rather, setting a poem to music is a lot more difficult than I have forseen.

I thought it would be the perfect thing to help get me back in the groove of writing, that writing music to words that already exist would help inspire the music.

But I just keep feeling like I'm not doing the words justice. And really, I probably shouldn't, I know my skills aren't as developed yet, but...it still seems, I don't know, sacrilegious, irrevent, just plain WRONG. Of course, it helps I picked a poet I adore, making the fear of being wrong, of not getting the point of the poem, that much stronger (as I type, I think I can hear Khalil Gibran rolling over in his grave).

That said, I set two more lines of the voice part in the last hour or so. I sense that it is all placeholder and will be changed, definately helps the defeatist mood I've manged to put myself in. Grad applications are looming again, therefore I am panicky about having more to my portfolio because I don't think I can stand being completely rejected again.

When my Sorrow was born
I just wished I could finished the damn thing.

Contracts are not for morons.

2007-07-31T20:44:00.000-07:00

I am a freaking moron.

Worked today in Livermore, today I got my paycheck, which was about half of what I thought it was going to be.

Because I can't read my stupid contract right.

Silly me thinking it said $25/lesson, when it really said $25/hour. Huge oversight that was (not so strange, last two contracts he had written per lesson rather than per hour, as all lessons are half hour).

So I'm freaking pissed off at myself for being so incredibly stupid. Of course, my contract is for the year, so I'm hoping I can get out of it, because otherwise, I'm fucked.

In compositional news, I have my first post-marriage lesson with Hdez tomorrow, which should be exciting as I have 6 pages of hand-written music to show (yes, I am actually quite proud of myself). Now I just have to write in all the musical markings so he doesn't yell at me, and all will be well...at least on that front.

And I've finally found the time to do at least an hours worth of listening: the gym. Listening to new (or new-to-me) music at the gym certainly makes the time go by more enjoyably, if not faster. Yay!

I'm baaaaaaaack

2007-07-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

I am now Mrs. Rugani. that is wierd.

The wedding went beautifully, Dan and I couldn't stop grinning all day and my cheeks hurt from smiling the whole time. I think everyone enjoyed themselves, I sure as hell did. It went by so freaking fast, afterwards it was a little wierd to think about it: I spent a year planning a day.

Week later we set off for our honeymoon in Greece. The islands are amazing. Athens is hot and smells of piss. Seriously, you need two days to see the old ruins (which were made considerably less impressive by the fact that there was scaffolding everywhere for renovations) and then head off to the islands. The water was this amazing crystal blue that you could see straight through for like 15-20 ft, and warm! Not like the frigid Pacific. And I got tan! =) We went to Santorini, Mykonos and Naxos, spent most of our days on the beach and had a great time. Ended our honeymoon in Paris, where it all started, though it was a bit soggy this time around. Made it to Orsay this time, and the Moulin Rouge area. And of course went back up the Eiffel tower and spent an hour where he proposed =)

Upon return to the states, have managed to change my name in all the legal places, and working on squaring away the rest of that stuff. Am trying to get back in the routine of writing music, which is why I'm typing this, while listening to the Tour through the wall, because getting back in that routine is a bit slow.

Hopefully I'll later post with pictures. For now, I'll attempt the music writing thing again.

Breathing again

2007-06-04T23:48:00.000-07:00

My dress is fixed. Finally. That mess is over with. Cool tailor dude saved the day and fixed all the the problems seamstress bitch left. He had to let it out at the zipper because seamstress bitch cut the fabric at the side seams where she took it in, so contrary to what she told me, no, she couldn't have fixed it even if I wanted to go back to her, because she wouldn't touch anything but the side seams. I so want my money back. BITCH!

She also messed up a bridesmaids dress and took it in too much...although that was sent out to her seamstress (hmm...like maybe she doesn't do any of her own work?) but that will hopefully be fixed tomorrow, if not, I'm confident cool tailor dude can fix it, and will because he's already heard the whole situation and is a sweet guy.

So I can breathe a sigh of relief now. All else is in place. I even wrote a little music today. Ok, I set part of Dies Irae for counterpoint, it was a good exercise and let me concentrate on something non-wedding because after this whole dress ordeal, I really needed to throw myself into something completely different, something structured and defined, but with room for creativity. I so needed that.

1 week out

2007-06-03T02:03:00.000-07:00

I'm a week away from being married. That revelation is kind of wierd.

Will find out Monday if second alteration dude fixed first bitch seamstress' fuck ups. Too tired to explain why first seamstress lady is a bitch, and frankly, I think I'll get all angry and cry again, so no, not tonight.

Favors and place settings in place (haha). Man...it's coming up!

Think "The Scream"

2007-06-01T00:36:00.000-07:00

If I had to give a visual for how I felt most of today, I think Edvard Munch's "The Scream" would be most appropriate.

I picked up my dress from the seamstress today. She fucked up. big time. It's too tight in the back (as in the zipper is exposed because it's too tight and it gives me there ever evil back crack), and still not sitting flat on my chest in the front. She didn't seem to think there was much she could do, if she took it out, the back would be looser, but the front would gape again (seriously, whatever fucker designed the dress was clearly unaware that the general population of women do not have M as their cup size...) So after bawling hysterically for several hours (don't judge me...if you were in my position, I bet you would too!), I have decided to take the dress to another alterations place tomorrow and pray they can fix it. If not...I don't know what the fuck I'll do. Roll up in a corner and cry, I suppose. Or not eat until the wedding.

So, of course, this catastrophy totally fucks up my plans of not freaking out over things that aren't done yet, finding yet another goddamn dress for leaving the wedding (because, for some reason I FAIL to understand, I can't leave in my dress. My dress that I will only wear one day for about 7 hours. My dress that doesn't fucking fit. Whoever made up that rule can shove it. Though, I don't know how I'd sit in a car in my dress...even if it did fit).

I wish I had this
shirt. I'd wear it for at least the next 10 days.

For want of composing: part deux

2007-05-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

If I could just get some quiet space, I'm sure I could actually be productive tonight.

And this is why one bedroom apartments suck.

For want of composing

2007-05-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

you know, I'm always in the mood to compose when I can't. like today, I was really in the composery groove, and then I had to go play a concert, which went poorly, but ok by community band standards. Given that I played bassoon (which I've been doing for only a few months), I missed the dress rehearsal (wedding planning) and that I've been wedding planning, I guess I can't be too hard on myself. Gave out a business card, maybe I'll get some more students!

And I really want to keep working on my piece, but there are a billion other things I need to do too.

I suppose wanting to compose and being unable to would fall under Murphy's Law. Stupid Murphy's Law.

ZZZzzZzZzzzZzzzzz....

2007-05-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

Today was extremely tiring for reasons beyond my comprehension, despite attempts to nap in the sun (to warm up, since I was really cold all day too). I've been completely exhausted this whole week and I don't know why. ZZZzzzZZzzZzZzzzzzz.

In other news, wedding stuff is going well, I suppose, it has come up very quickly, and sadly I realize as soon as it's over, there's grad apps and composing and figuring out how I might actually make money this year to worry/panic over/deal with. The fun just never ends.

Composition is at a standstill. I imagine it will stay that way until mid july.

Too tired to think any harder.

Must sleep.

ZZzzz

This is your brain. This is your brain on wedding.

2007-05-09T23:39:00.000-07:00

Shoe situation: totally under control. They accepted the return of the first-too-small-now-too-big-shoes, and I found perfect shoes for twenty dollars cheaper.

dress fitting tomorrow. All necessary components in place.

Most of the honeymoon is taken care of.

found a dress for saturday. by the way, I hate the stupid dress rule. the no-wearing-the-same-dress-rule. Whoever made that rule must have been rich. Stupid rich people.

people need to respond soon, I'd rather not have to go bridezilla on their asses. Or send someone else on my behalf.

met with hair person, I love what we decided to do (simple, but elegant bun).

Seriously, there has been nothing but wedding on my mind for at least a week. No composing, just wedding.

So much so, I know I had something more interested to say, but can't remember...

Rollar coaster

2007-05-01T23:47:00.000-07:00

Today began as crisis management. It ended considerably better.

I have managed not to overdraw any accounts. yay!
Got all plane tickets for honeymoon. yay!
Took care of shoe catastrophy and am hoping for the best. yay!

Also hung out with a friend, worked on the Tallis arrangement (for string quartet, because I am crazy), taught two students, and got paid (double yay!).

That makes five yays, 1 paycheck, and a great big WHEW!

i.e., duh!

2007-05-01T00:18:00.000-07:00

Saturday, I went to see Dan's school's production of Aida. I'm not a big fan of Elton John, I don't like the musical, but I enjoyed the show. The kids did an amazing job, several of the singers were fantastic, just overall very impressive. Apparently several things went wrong during the show, but short of flutes being unable to play in tune, I didn't notice. Amazing.

In other news, Greece was back on, and may be off again. Goddamnit, I just want a fucking decision NOW so that I can pay or not or replan or whatever. I already put a deposit down, and this whole going back and forth thing is really pissing me off. If we can't afford it, FINE, but let's just pick something already. GRRRRR!!

I, like an idiot, didn't make sure my shoes fit until a month after I got them, and guess what? They don't fit. Go me. So tomorrow, I will go a beg the bridal shop to get shoes quickly for me, and swear to try them on IMMEDIATELY. And if not? I am so wearing converse.

Still haven't figured out how to wear my hair. I suppose I should do that before the appointment saturday, no?

Composition? Totally not even on my mind. That sucks. Because I'd much rather be fighting that right now.

Damn, and i was doing so well today.

Reminiscing

2007-04-26T00:09:00.000-07:00

Today I was going through and organizing my compositions on my computer (the internet has been down most of the day, and for whatever reason, my computer can only get to the comcast page. Stupid comcast), going through lots of old stuff, much I don't even remember writing. It's nice to see I've moved past the Philip Glass wanna-be stage. I found a piece based on his piano solo metamorphosis, which in all honesty, is pretty bad, but kind of interesting where I was and where my intrests were four years ago. I was fascinated with minimalist stuff, since it was new to me, and I'd been interested in common tone relationships between chords for a really long time (though I'd never have put it in those words...no wonder I was all over 5-6 chords in Theory whatever). Went through lots of abandoned works (and rightfully so!) I'd forgotten about. It was interesting for sure.

Go team Jessica!

2007-04-24T23:29:00.000-07:00

Today I was super-excited for my lesson. I was prepared, I had actual music to show (a rarity, sadly), I was even early (generally, it's shocking if I'm on time). This is very atypical of Tueday mornings. Generally I run late, have little to show, and usually feel pretty crappy about what I did manage to accomplish that week. But not today! Today I felt good about what I brought in. And lesson was good; it seems strange, so often we don't really have content to go over, so todays lesson was different, and I'm not entirely sure how to go about fixing/working on the piece (yes, we discussed this, but talking and doing are two entirely different things).

AND I initiated some honeymoon planning (me initating anything but a fight in which I manage not to participate is uncommon) and scheduled meetings with the string quartet representative and dress fittings, and breifly discussed working at the livermore place for next year, which looks like it will happen.

I am amazingly proud of myself (shocking since I'm usually full of hate and criticisms towards moi) for actually getting shit done, and at the same time, it's kind of sad that it doesn't happen more often and that I am so proud of myself for just doing the things I should be doing anyway. But we're focusing on the positive here.

Go team me!

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

2007-04-19T14:43:00.000-07:00

I should be on my way to go teach right now. Obviously, since I'm writing in here, I'm not. Two students cancelled lessons today, and I am fucking sick and tired of being screwed over by students...or rather, their parents.

Last Thursday, I had only 1 of 4 students show up, one called a couple of hours before her lesson to cancel, one didn't bother to tell me they were going out of town until I called five minutes into their lesson time to find out where they were, and other didn't show up at all, no phone call, nothing.

Yesterday, I had to drop another student (who I loved to teach, otherwise I would not have continued to drive all the way out there) because they kept cancelling on me last minute, the last time being via email, and I am just so glad that I checked it, because normally, I wouldn't have. Oh yeah, and these were the parents that inadvertantly sent me an email about me, and how they didn't feel I was pushing their child hard enough. Yeah, seriously.

And today? Already two students cancelled, and I was busting my ass to get ready and out the door to teach one of them when they called. And I can't get the freaking printer to work to print out all the contracts I am going to make my students sign because I just can't take this anymore, and honeymoon plans are all up in the freaking air and we may not be able to afford Greece, which is fine and I don't really care, but it causes all kinds of tension and crap and unnecessary headache that neither Dan nor I really feel up to dealing with. And freaking favors??? Like coming to the wedding isn't favor enough? You really want me to get all frantic and borderline-nervous-breakdown-ish over some stupid kitchy thing you are probably going to throw away after the wedding? Seriously? At this point, I just want to be married and have it all over and done with because it just seems like way more headache than it is worth.

Ok. Taking a moment to breathe.

Tuesday was Composers Inc. Much better than last time, that is for sure. Didn't really dig the e.e. cummings setting, was rather indifferent (despite the many tritones), and the trumpet and perc. piece, was ok, I think I'm just biased against that kind of ensemble. La Rocca's piece was lovely and pretty and just like all his other choral pieces on latin texts. Is that a criticism? well, maybe, maybe not. He does it well, for sure, but been there, heard that. And the Golijov was probably my favorite of the night. I love the klezmer thing, Tony Striplen is a great clarinetist (although, it would have been nice if he hadn't destroyed the mood of the piece by leaving music backstage) and freaking rocked on the bass clarinet (it is fucking hard to play that high that well on that thing). And I still maintain that basset horn's place is in period ensembles playing Mozart's Requiem or something...it's virtually extinct for a reason.

And though I was not so disappointed with this concert, I seem to still be less enamored with it than I used to be. Perhaps it is just me, maybe my tastes have developed, or maybe I am becoming what my mother has called me since high school, a "music snob." Whatever. I've got my tastes and I'm sticking to them...until they change of course.

And of course, going to any sort of new music concert always makes me think about and question what I am writing...or not writing. The orchestra piece has for now taken a backseat, I just can't deal with all the elements right now. So I started working on something new (as mentioned in a previous, pre-lesson panicked post...wow, that was some unintended alliteration) but it's not really new-sounding, it is still freaking ripped straight out of Ravel's Mallarme setting, though it is good that I am really trying to work on string writing (I swear I will figure out harmonics if it's the last thing I ever do). It is very frustrating to have just about everyone on my ass for not writing new music (and I do mean just about everyone...old professors, my fiancee, my own dad who has the most impeccable timing to tell me crap like that, band directors, old teachers, and of course, me) when really, this is MY problem, and I'm the one that gets to deal with it, ya know, it's not like I haven't noticed that I haven't written anything new in a year. And no, putting it off until after the wedding doesn't really feel like a reasonable option, 1. because of the incredible guilt I will feel (and have felt) for not writing music, and really the last thing I need is to give me another reason to hate myself, 2. it will make it that much harder to start up again, 3. it gives me a way of not doing wedding stuff for some small portion of time without feeling guilty. So I'll keep plugging away. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Damn. this is really long. and rather angry/bitchy/ranting. But I feel a lot better now. =)

Peace and Quiet

2007-04-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

*Cricket* *Cricket*

Mondays are generally my day to compose. Today, that didn't really happen. Not that I didn't have plenty of opportunity, towards the end of the day I even got some space that was nice and quiet (since the practice rooms can't even pretend to be soundproof). But all that quiet space just left me with the great big silence in my own head.

Could not, for the life of me, focus on the orchestra piece. No focus for Jessica. Tried to work on something else instead...and am hoping that having SOMETHING will be better than nothing, even if it is a different piece (I got chided once for bringing in new things every week instead of finishing something...now I'm paranoid, please don't be mad Hdez!).

I really could have used some productivity today, since most of the week had been spent doing wedding stuff.

final score: 0 to 5

2007-04-04T18:24:00.000-07:00

I got a letter from Peabody today. Of course, as soon as I saw it was a letter and not a package, I realized it was going to be a big fat NO in a much kinder and more loquacious way. I just want to know what I did wrong so I can work on it. Fuck! I mean, they took so damn long to get back to me, they could at least tell me something useful. grrr.

On the bright side (I suppose, I'm feeling rather Eeyore-ish today), there will be considerably less stress over moving since it won't be happening. And I'll be able to continue working with Hdez if he'll have me and I haven't completely pissed him off.

I miss school, damnit, and I want to go to grad school!

focus

2007-03-24T00:12:00.000-07:00

There has been a serious lack of focus in Jessicaland. Not just in music, in everything. Wedding stuff isn't getting done, I'm not writing music, or listening, or studying. It's not that I don't have the time, because I do, I'm just not taking the time to do it, and I feel like I am letting people down, which makes me feel awful.

SO, there will be more focus. Because there really is no other option. To help with that, lists:

Wedding Stuff:
Pick cake
pick up shoes
pick up invitations
send out invitations
book string quartet
arrange string quartet
determine approx. list for bachorlette party
more registering

Music Stuff:
finish Ligeti orchestration
study Strauss
listen, listen, listen!!!
write 16 bar ABA, with 2 groups of six notes
devote minimum 30 min. daily to composery stuff
maybe actually work on my piece

It helps just to see it written down.

Harp! See, turn all. and circle talk.

2007-03-18T23:36:00.000-07:00

Uh, right. Went to see the Harvard on the Hill Choir concert tonight ("Harps Eternal", choral Americana). But before I get to that, I guess I should start at the beginning (it seems a very good place to start).

Began the day watching "The Illusionist." Good movie, but the downside to being a former Philip Glass nut is that any movie he scores (such as this one), is difficult to pay attention to because I keep hearing all the other pieces he reuses and trying to identify them (and being pissed off because there is nothing new). And really, when you own as much Philip Glass as I do (including the entire Qaatsi trilogy on dvd...I am a nerd) and it makes you angry, well, it just seems like a waste of money and time and..whatever. But that's not the point at all, moving on...

Then I made some vague and half-assed attempt to do something and be productive. Which, and it may seem obvious, failed miserably. Again, seemed to be due to a lack of ability to focus.

Met up with Hdez for some dinner and a concert. Found a nice little persian resturant with yummy food, and talked of composery things. And then the concert. It was good, performed well, Dr. James is just amazing and has done wonderful things for the choral department. Purely American works, although some of them did not sound that way (and now I understand why someone once told me that for a long time, American music was just several decades behind what Europe was doing). There were two pieces in particular I was interested to hear. One was a bit of a disappointment, I thought it was going to be more than a reharmonization. Not that it was a bad harmonization, I just thought it would be more (and it is one of those post-wtc attack extreme nationalist pride uber Americana things I am so over with). And the other, started out alright, but then went into straight what I thought it was going to be (think Danny Elfman-ish). I enjoyed the Whitacre because it's all warm and fuzzy tone clusters (I think I'm developing a thing for seconds).

Post-concert chat on the way home, completely depressing. I know it wasn't intended that way, just my mood, and the lack of productivity of late. Talk of how not to hang oneself with freedom...or was it not beat oneself up with a shovel? It seemed much clearer in the car. In any case, maybe it is not just a matter of "doing." Maybe I need to find some inspiriation, rip off something (which would, of course, require the "doing" of listening, reduction, transcribing, whatever. commence with more circular talk here).

Been reading Stravinsky's autobiography (what I do when I can't focus on anything else) and he talks a lot of orchestrating and doing piano reductions, of his own works and others. I guess I should probably do the same. and again with the "doing" issue. But I wonder if my problem with the orchestra piece is because I'm overwhelmed with all the instruments and possibilities? Or just an overall lack of inspiration musically? Would I be able to write something else more effectively? Somehow, I doubt it.

What to say.

2007-03-16T00:22:00.000-07:00

I stared at the keyboard for at least thirty minutes today. Stared. Like if I looked at it hard enough, wonderful music would come out of it that I could transcribe and claim to have written myself. Stared and thought about music. Why do I write music? What do I have to say?

I don't know what to say. And I wonder if I have anything to say.

*sigh* Which is of course, absurd. I'm sure I do. I just don't know what it is yet. I feel like there are so many expectations for the orchestral piece I'm working (or not working) on, mostly set up by myself, and I am having trouble getting past it so that I can just write it. I'm having troubles focusing.

1st Imp or ...er...

2007-03-12T00:13:00.000-07:00

Today I went to see Tan Dun's First Emporer with Hdez. Initially, I didn't have a positive reaction. Hdez waxed eloquoent over it, and I didn't say anything for a while because I was rather certain he was being sarcastic. But no, he actually enjoyed it. I liked parts (read: tritones), I agree that the second half was not as tight as the first, but I got freaking sick of the same damn melody that is STILL stuck in my head. The opera was alright I suppose, there were things that straight up pissed me off (that melody), and things that I liked (one of the choruses in particular...in the beginning). I didn't really like any of the characters, they were all pretty whiny and wussy. And I didn't like the text setting. But I would watch it again, I think. To reaffirm my opinion of it. To be absolutely sure.

I was impressed to learn that this opera, of which I caught an encore performance simulcast from the Met (I thought they were just re-playing the original) is scheduled again for next year, that this opera was so popular. I don't know how much of that is because of what people actually think about the opera, or if it's because it's "by-the-Crouching-Tiger-Hidden-Dragon-guy." How much of it is because he's a film composer? And does it even matter?

Talking afterwards with Hdez was good, refreshing that we had differing opinions too. And now he expects music! ah! must get cracking!

Composer-girl!

2007-03-07T01:04:00.000-08:00

Had a good lesson today. For starters, I actually wrote music. Sketches. But I have an idea of what I will do with those sketches. I feel informed. in charge. empowered. Days like this, I feel like I can do it, I can be a composer. ideas are flowing again. I feel excited about writing again.

this time I will not hit the self-destruct button. i'm going with the good. good is good.

The flowering tree

2007-03-04T00:55:00.000-08:00

Or how to write an pseudo-opera with three singers, three dancers, and orchestra plus two recorders.

Tonight I saw John Adams' "The Flowering Tree" based on some Indian folktale (so it seemed) about a girl who could transform into a...you guessed it, flowering tree. It was definately John Adams through and through. That's not a bad thing. But I saw the premire of Dr. Atomic last year, and I was a whole lot more impressed by it. Maybe because it was the only Adams opera I'd sat through the entirety of (I know parts of Nixon in China, but I don't think I've ever made it through the end, certainly not in a single sitting). Maybe because it was a premire and had a pretty heavy subject matter (haha...matter...matter cannot be made or destroyed, only altered in it's form...or something like that, the opening chorus...yes, I am a nerd).

There were definate Stravinsky quotes (I swear, he straight up took a trumpet line from one of the ballets and plugged it in), and the "Four parts of the day " song by the prince had the same melodic contour (and rhythm, come to think of it) as "Strangers in the night." Lots of whole tone stuff. And therefore, tritones (tritones are my happy place. which is just wierd and mixed up, but whatever).

I've not been getting excited about music lately. I find this disconcerting.

B-town and Lala land.

2007-02-26T23:38:00.000-08:00

My god it has been one hell of a week. A week that has felt like at least five. I've been sick since last Friday, which has made it all the more interesting. But from the beginning.

Tuesday Feb 20

Had a lesson with Hdez in the morning, and between family stuff, being sick, nervousness of my impending interview, and general wedding unplannedness I must have looked pretty shitty, as there was a look of concern. But we lessoned on as usual, as that made me feel better, and helped me put my worries aside. Drove home to get my plastic piece of shit clarinet to march down Main Street with, and caught a flight to Vegas, then red-eye to B-town, getting there Wed. Morning.

Wed Feb 21

Upon arriving in B-town I notice something I've never really seen in real life: Snow in the city. I've seen snow. But only in the mountains. Snow in the city was completely wierd to me. And as we take the train from the airport into downtown, I see a lot of scenery I've only ever seen in the movies, and it definately looks cool. Big old homes covered in snow, trees and streams nearby. I just can't get over the snow. Snow on the sidewalks. Of a city. We get in, check into the hotel, by which time I collapse on the bed and take a nap, as I haven't slept much (planes are damn noisy). Afterwards, we check out B-town, and frankly, it doesn't seem like there's a hell of a lot going on there. We went to the aquarium, in part because as a wimpy californian, I was not well prepared for the cold, and later went to Pbody to catch a percussion ensemble recital (had they advertised better that Mason Bates was there that night too, I SO would have gone to that instead. pissed that I missed it for a stupid percussion ensemble. grr). I asked Dan his impressions afterwards, as I listened more to the music (blech!) than paid attention to technique or anything ('sides, I don't know shit about percussion anyway), and he said that it wasn't so impressive. That a certain couple of CSU grads could whoop on them. Which I believed. We came back to the hotel and rested for the next day (day of DOOM...just kidding).

Thurs. Feb 22

This was the day I ran around Pbody doing what I could to convince them that I should go there. First was my theory test, which I swear I nailed, but I wasn't asked to do an interview for the assistantship (lovely process they have, you are scheduled for an interview, but if you don't do well enough on the test, you don't get it, but they don't tell you until you go up for it. I could have sat freaking out about my composition interview for that hour instead. Or whatever). I was all prepared too. Calm and collected, and feeling confident (a rarity for me, I assure you) or at least that I could portray confidence. That was shot down. Maybe affected my confidence for the comp interview. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

After the theory test, I had the ear training exam, and really, it would have been helpful to know how the test would be done, because I could have done better if I'd known. Not that I did all that bad. I think I nailed the single voice dictation. The harmonic one, not so confident on, mostly because I am used to more playings, being played poorly. AND the guy giving the exam would stress one voice more than the other on different playings which totally fucked me up and pissed me off. And the two voice dictation went well until the middle, where I got behind and just couldn't keep up. hopefully it is not so appaling as to not accept me.

Walking around, waiting for things, I saw a composer looking over his music, much more professionally done than mine, since I haven't really paid a lot of attention to that (but now thinking maybe I should), before my comp interview, they had a waiting room for us, and current Pbody students there to talk to, ask questions, or in my case, to completely take my mind off the interview so I didn't become sick to my stomach with nervousness. Everyone was very kind, I didn't feel any air of competativeness (unlike the trip to NY and interview with RCM at Julliard, where I got that impression from Julliard students and I wasn't even auditioning for their school).

Which brings us to the interview. Everyone wants to know how it went, hell, I want to know how it went, and I was there. I'm just not sure. All but one of the professors were there. Chris Theofanidis, Kevin Puts (apparently, just got in from NY), Nicholas Maw (who mumbled in a british accent, so I rarely understood what he said), Greg Boyle, and Michael Hersch. Chris Theofanidis did most of the talking. They asked me about my orchestra piece. The unfinished orchestra piece that I knew they were going to ask me about. Said it was very different from everything else, and asked what I was thinking about when writing it. And I said color, that I was really focusing on the colors in an orchestra (this is my first orchestra piece) and how I might use them. And Chris started to rephrase his question, as if I didn't really answer his question (which leads me, in my over-thinking hyper-analytical way to think I did not give the correct answer), but stopped and asked me if I thought it was different because of the medium I was writing for, or something else. And I said no, that my whole process of writing music is changing or something like that, that I'm moving away from a straight melody/harmony thing to something more interesting. In much more eloquent terms. Then they asked me who my influences were, and as usual, my mind went blank except for PG, VW (the VW influence got some unidentifiable mumble from Maw) and Stravinsky, which I think only came to mind since I started reading his autobiography on the plane. They looked a little surprised to hear that. Of course, I elaborated that PG was an earlier influence, that I stopped being in love with his stuff when I discovered it was the same (to which several agreed), and then Michael Hersch asked me about VW, if I knew which symphony was in e minor, and I knew it was either 6 or 9, but I didn't remember which (hey, give me credit for naming two in minor! which I only happen to know because they are on the same cd in the collection I have) and suggested I check it out, because late VW is great (um, yeah, I think most VW is great. And I know late VW is great. so :P). And then they asked what orchestral pieces I've been studying. And I drew a complete blank. My mind shut off for those two minutes or whatever and would not give me names of pieces I've been studying. Goddamnit! Then they asked me something about me being witty in my other pieces, and I don't really remember what I said to that, but I don't think it was highly intelligent. I see it in some pieces, but not all. I don't know. And now I wait until April to hear back. APRIL.

Went to part of a question and answer session with composition faculty, during which I noticed I was the only female auditionee there that day. And several people asked some really stupid questions (which highly annoyed some of the faculty and it was very amusing to watch). And then Dan and I had to leave early to catch our flight out. We caught a cab to the airport and flew to Lala Land via Vegas again, arrived at some ungodly hour at LAX and Dan's dad picked us up and drove us to our hotel, which after some confusion over room changes and walking in on someone else's room (fortunately, part of Dan's band group and not a complete stranger) we crashed early Friday morning.

Fri. Feb 23

At this point, I couldn't tell you what time or day of week it was I was so bloody tired and confused. Fortunately, we were able to sleep in a bit and not have to go over to Disneyland with the band. Disneyland was...the overpriced cheesy dirty theme park that it is. And partway through the day, we marched across it. Mind you , I haven't marched in four or five years. I didn't learn the music and I've never played with the band. Furthermore, we marched shows at my high school, in tuxes, no street marching, no band uniforms with plumes and everything. I'd like to say, tuxes are way more comfortable. Anyhow, I did very little playing and a lot more staring at the guy in front of me's feet, trying to stay on time while wiggling my fingers so it kind of looked like I was playing. The kids played great. I sucked. And I felt bad because I didn't put a lot of effort into it. But then again, there's no way I could have. Just a lack of professionalism on my part I'm not happy with (another blog topic altogether). More Disneylanding, partly with Dan's niece (now 3, adorable, finally talking more, and just amazed at life).

Dan and I, the other band director (Chief) and her student teacher, and a couple chaperones went to club 33. I'd never heard of this before, it's apparently this really exclusive place and you wouldn't know it's there unless you knew it because it's just a door with a 33 on it (and so many doors in that place are fake) but you have to be a member, and it takes something like ten years to join or something, I don't know, but it was an upscale resturant in the middle of disneyland. For two hours, it was like we weren't in disneyland. It was weird. It's also the only place that serves alcohol. It was peculiar. I, for one, don't understand the obsession with disney stuff. but whatever. That night was the first decent night's sleep the whole trip.

Saturday Feb 24

More Disneyland. The band did get to do this cool recording deal, where they play little bits of music from actual movie clips (arranged for wind band of course) and then get to see their peformance with the real clip. It was supposed to be a taste of the recording process (except there would be much less rehearsing and much more firing, as I understand it), and it was a really neat experience. I'm certainly not a good enough player to do it (nor have I ever thought I could be) but it was cool to see how that sort of thing works. That and meeting up with one of Dan's old roommates was the highlight of that day.

The rest of the week was rather boring. Sunday we came home. Today was Dan's birthday, he taught, I laid around the house coughing all day and felt too sick to do much of anything but watch tv. Tomorrow I lesson. and teach. All day. Hooray for cough drops.

final score: 1 to 4

2007-02-17T23:55:00.000-08:00

That's right folks. Out of five schools, I made the cut for one. The pressure is on.

Adore? No...

2007-02-17T13:25:00.000-08:00

Went to see ADORNO perform works by Derek Bermel and a piece by Joel Friedman last night, accompanied by Dan and Hdez. Second new music concert this week, and I was disappointed again. As a clarinetist, Bermel definately has chops. But his music, while not awful, was not something I was really excited about either. Too much glissandi and growling for my taste, especially in "Coming Together." Sounded like the effect the Deak piece on the concert I heard a few weeks ago (the one with David Ogden Stiers) except that it didn't have the cool conceptual thing behind it, it just sounded like the adults in Charlie Brown. I guess those things feel like tricks to me, using techniques like that, or maybe that they were used so often, it felt like those were the only tricks in the bag. I don't know. Or maybe I'm just pissed because I can't do them =)

I think of all the pieces I heard last night, "Thracian Sketches" was the best, followed by Mulatash Stomp, and then I didn't really care. I definately liked that it took halfway through Thracian to finally get over the break, I liked that the piece started out subtone-ish and gradually got louder. I think it was a fairly successful solo instrument piece (and there are a lot of bad solo clarinet pieces out there...let me tell you).

Soul Garden, I liked the idea he had when he sang it at the keyboard, but as a string sextet, I think it got lost in translation. It didn't sound as soulful.

The post concert talk was stupid. It should have been a pre-concert talk, so we'd know what to listen for. And for a concert whose works were mostly Bermel's, and one of Friedman's, Friedman did a lot of rambling...most of which I couldn't follow.

Maybe the fact that I was/am sick had an effect on how I veiwed the concert, maybe it put me in a pissy mood so that I wouldn't have liked it no matter who I was listening too, but I think not. It is just disappointing to have two new music concerts in a single week, and neither of them being great.

ComposersInc-ing

2007-02-14T00:56:00.000-08:00

Tonight was another Composers Inc concert. And while it was not a complete bust, it didn't really have me jumping for joy either. Except maybe when the second piece ended, but I'll get to that in a minute. Normally when I go to these concerts, there is one song I really like, one that sticks in my mind and my ears. Tonight, not so much. I'm not counting the Hdez piece, I've heard that before, it wasn't brand new to me (although, knowing his music better, it makes more sense than it did the first time around). The Bates was the one new piece that kept my attention the longest (ok, so maybe the bass piece kept my attention all the way through, but I really payed more attention to the narration than the music anyhow). I guess I'm a little disappointed. Not necessarily at the programming, maybe the lack of newness in new music? I'm not sure.

Anyhow, about the pieces: The first work, piano work, I was rather indifferent towards. Granted, I'd just run several blocks from the BART station, I was mostly concentrating on catching my breath, so maybe I didn't listen as closely as I could have. I'm also not entirely convinced I really wanted to. The composer was there, I think she said something about it being about anger (or maybe it was in the notes) anyhow, didn't sound angry to me so much. Maybe disjunct chromaticky lines doesn't cut it for me, I don't know (furthermore, I've not been able to find music that really sounded angry to me. Ominous, sure, but not anger, rage. Oftentimes, if I feel an emotion particularly strongly, I like to find music I associate with that emotion to listen to, helps take that edge off. Consequently, I have loads of sad, depressing, meloncholy music, but not so much angry. Once started to write a two-piano piece called "Rage," which was abandoned midway through and used in a stop-time lego animated film for class. But I digress). I was intrigued for five seconds when the piece started, then kind of bored. Didn't sound so new to me.

The second work, I absolutely hated. I don't think I've ever come out of a concert with such a strong negative feeling about a particular work (obviously, this excludes Oklahoma!, except I hate the totality of that, so maybe it doesn't even count). I've hated performances, sure (awful performance of Carmina Burana once that made me so angry that I'd spent money on it I bitched about it for a week. at least.) and there are performers I can't stand as well (coughRichardStolzmancough. I think it's a toss between him and Oklahoma as thing I hate most ever. Stupid double lipped embouchure sounds like crap, and no one with any level of understanding, respect, or taste uses vibrato on the freaking Mozart, but this is an entirely different discussion) but I think this is a first for me hating a piece. If you are going to use electronics, make them cool. Not lame ass synth drum sounds from the 80s. At least, don't try to play that off as somehow equal to a really good viola player. PLAYING THE SAME THING.

I actually had to stop listening, because otherwise I don't think I could have sat there quietly like a good audience member, it was making me so angry, but I did start looking around at the audience. And what I saw was disappointing. Most sitting quietly, blank faces, probably thinking about other things going on in life. Some were reading program notes, at least they were learning something, and some were looking like they were trying to get it...not because they really wanted to, but because this is the Bay Area and we liberal open-minded foward thinking people are suppose to like shit like that, because most people don't. I didn't see anyone with a similar expression as I'm sure was on my face when I was actually listening: disgust, anger, disbelief that this actually got programmed (although, judging from the fact that El Roca was one of the program-notes-readers, I'll guess he wasn't too thrilled about programming it).

The third piece (the Chinese one) was...ok. At first I thought it was going to be one of those transplanted pieces (what I mean by transplanted? take music from another place. crudely adapt for western instruments. tada!) instead of inspired. It kind of fell halfway between. When the piano came in in the first movement, that was what saved it from being completely boring(And completely like that which the second of the Cariactures was commenting on, if from a different country). It's not that the piece was godawful (like say, the viola/"electronics" one). It just wasn't memorable.

I don't know. I'm not inspired by this one. And I could use some inspiration.

calm before the storm

2007-02-12T00:12:00.000-08:00

I have been very nervous about teaching theory tomorrow. I don't know what makes me more nervous, talking in front of people for extended period of time, teaching in front of the professor who taught me all of this, or the possibility of being wrong and being corrected in front of everyone.

Anyhow, as of a couple of hours ago, my nerves left me. No more nervousness. Not sure why. I think I've done everything I could do to prepare. I think I've got the material under control. And I'm pretty confident about what I'm going to cover. I know I can do it. I also know that if I let my insecurities get to me, it can really fuck me up. So, here's to being confident!

We'll see how it goes.

Knowing Music

2007-02-09T23:49:00.000-08:00

Oh geez, if you could see what I see right now, Dan is playing Rayman on the Wii, and dancing to "Girls just want to have fun" sung in chipmunk voices. It is absolutely hilarious.

Well, today was interesting. Lots of lesson time today, talking about Ravel's left hand concerto and Schoenberg five pieces for orchestra. Talked about living American women composers, briefly went over Stravinsky's three periods, and cadences and post-tonal music. After lunch, went back for more, and we looked at Britten's War Requiem.

I thought I knew that piece relatively well. ok. Better than most things. At least I've listened to it more than once. My fuzziness on the piece got me thinking: what does it mean to really know a piece of music? What does that entail? How do I go about it? I know I don't study enough scores. I thought I had the War Requiem in my ears, but it's been a while since I listened to it. I think I've got the Tallis Fantasia and some other pieces in my ears, I'm rather convinced I can sing through the whole thing in my head, but I couldn't tell you exactly what's going on, important motivic devices and such. I mean, I could I suppose in a surface, superficial way. But not really get into the music. I don't know why I won't just sit down and study a score. Maybe I haven't found something yet that really really intrigues me? although a lot of the stuff hdez shows me is pretty damn cool. I dunno. Maybe this is just a case of sitting down and doing it.

In the past, I've had some composer that I latch onto and become obsessed with. For a while, it was Philip Glass, and then I got pissed off that his stuff never changed, and then I discovered Vaughan Williams, and again with the obsession thing, and while I still like Vaughan Williams, I've realized that I can't try to be another VW, because that would just be stupid. And now? I don't know. I guess I've developed more of an interest in Ravel (certainly in orchestration), but it's not of that same obsessive nature.

Totally freaked out about teaching class on Monday, which is just stupid because I know I can do it. The topic is still a little fuzzy in terms of me remembering it, but that should get better as I go over it during the weekend. Also not sure how I can do this over an hour and a half, the concept doesn't seem that difficult to me.

And I got another rejection, this time from Rice. That makes the score 3 no's, 1 maybe, and 1 unknown. Discouraging, went to eat ice cream to make myself feel better, and now I have a tummy ache. boo.

Maybe I'll start digging into the War Requiem. Because I like requiems. And tritones. And irony.

Teaching and Learning

2007-02-07T00:30:00.000-08:00

Hooray! Lesson today went well. My work paid off. =) I felt inspired after lesson, hell, I didn't particularly want to leave, but I had to go earn money.

My students...I don't really know where to begin. There are the two little ones (five and six year olds) who, each on their own are fine, but together can't sit still long enough to play four bars of the same song they've been playing for two weeks now. Then there is the seven and nine year old, the seven year old is kind of quiet, but smart, and catches on fast. The nine year old, well, I'm not sure he cares enough to really put forth effort. Or maybe he just hasn't figured out how to practice.

Then I have two sisters, each right after each other, twelve and six. The twelve year old reminds me of me, quiet, shy, smart, and just overall cute. =) She's doing well. Her sister does well too, when she behaves, and maybe I just don't know kids (I have to keep reminding myself to stop using the college vocabulary), but how long is the average attention span of a six year old?

My next student, another twelve year old, wow. So shy, she make me look like super outgoing. As in during our first lesson, she was so freaked out (by me? I'm the least intimidating person I know!) she was not only on the brink of tears the entire half hour, but led me to believe she wasn't as competant a pianist as she is.

And the saxophone student? Does not want to listen to me. Thinks, apparently, that his embouchure suits him fine, except that it doesn't. But how do I get this kid to listen to me? How do you teach someone who doesn't want to learn? How do you get someone to believe you, that you do know what you are talking about and that they should really listen to you? I saw it written all over this kid's face: he didn't believe that this new embouchure makes him sound better. I know I've given this look to teachers before (most likely when they say something along the lines that I can do it. being the negative person I am). How did they convince me to listen?

Don't get me wrong, I love teaching these kids. It's just frustrating sometimes to not know how to help them, to not be as efficient in teaching as I should. I came home, and was too exhausted mentally to do any more music work. So I watched tv and blogged instead.

'til next time.